Forward

I've spent MANY MANY MANY New Year's eves down and out and feeling sorry for myself. For the first time ever, I am glad we have nothing planned, nowhere to be and no event that requires a new outfit, arranging for a DD or waiting in the freezing cold for a cab. Frankly, I'm just too damn old for that nonsense. For perhaps the first time in my entire life, I'm actually happy, content, and looking forward to what the future holds.

Now don't get me wrong, a huge part of me is still terrified of the days to come. I still have a nightmare almost every night that I lose this baby. Its a horrible way to spend a pregnancy but I am trying so hard to spend my waking hours being grateful, praising God, and remembering that I deserve to be a mother.  At the same time, I can't quite let go of the fact that others who so rightly deserve it also aren't in the position that I am in. I feel like my heart breaks a little more everyday for those who have given so much and are still trying to find the strength to press on and fight a good fight.  I know if sucks the life out of you and I know the deep seeded pain that to be honest, never really goes away.

I even found myself angry over THIS:

and THIS:



Yeah, I threw up a little in my mouth. Twice.


I know I have no right, but I can't help it -I'm tired of the world being so unfair. **sigh**  I'm just plain tired ya'll. 

With that said, My New Year's Resolutions are as follows:

1) Let go of the guilt
2) Plan for a healthy child
3) for the love of God stop reading PEOPLE magazine. : )

That is all.

Merry V-Day!

We made it to 24 weeks. Woot Woot! I know there isn't much going on at this stage but its another milestone and what i consider a big one at that. To make matters better, I've only gained 9 lbs. Again, woot woot. I'm guessing the holiday pigout just hasn't settled into fat rolls yet because holy crap did I strap on the 'ole feed bag these past few days like it was my job!!!!! Whew!!!  Thank goodness my glucose test is NEXT month!

Of all the things to be grateful for this season, the greater likelyhood of viability is what i am most appreciate of this year!  Oh and this thing the baby got for Christmas from some very excited grandparents to be.......

Couldn't you just die?  : )

Kick me Goodnight

The rolls and flutters have become full blown kicks. HOW THE F DID THAT HAPPEN? How am I already 23 weeks? This time is absolutely flying by. As much as I am ready to meet this little guy  or girl, I can’t help but feel a little sad that this precious time is going by so quickly. I got so use to begging for time to pass so I could reach each milestone safely, but now it’s lightning speed and I don’t know if I am holding on to these precious moments tight enough.

Although it’s not all that precious when you get up at 3am (for the 5^th time) to pee and you get kicked so hard you almost fall to your knees. Yeah that happened. BUT I have to admit, I was a tiny bit on the happy side, because that means you are still in there little one, alive and kicking (you like that pun?) and all is right with this world that I am so afraid could slip thru my fingers at any given time.

I am also grateful that I am only this much pregnant………

during the holidays. I am exhausted and my ankles look like I’m wearing skin toned ankle weights. If I were any further along, no one would be getting gifts this year. Seriously.I don’t know how really pregnant people do it, and some with children in tow. Yeah, I’m just not that together.  I’m a tad concerned about the holidays since we are usually in 95678 billion places in two days and it’s already exhausting without a child in your stomach. I’m also horrible at saying NO – this year should be a nice intro into holidays to come since juggling a baby will more than likely put a halt to the non-stop go go go that is usually Christmas time. Maybe for once I can actually sit back and enjoy the holidays rather than loathe them because I am so stressed and sleep deprived I can’t think straight. HAHA at least that is what I keep telling myself!!!!!

Speaking of…baby got its first Christmas gift today – a precious little lamb from one of my besties. It is sooo cute and we both had tears in our eyes when I opened it. I think we were both thinking SHIT JUST GOT REAL. Hehe  Not that I want time to pass by, but I seriously cannot wait to experience Christmas thru the eyes of my child!! 

Happy Holidays and God Bless. I’m wishing and praying most of all that all my fellow IF’ers get their little miracles soon!!

Great Read

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/amy-morrison/motherhood_b_2271349.html

Friday Five

1.  It’s official; I no longer have ankle bones. **sigh** it’s going to be a looooooooooong 4 months.  ha!

2. DH is either not feeling well or starting to feel sympathy for said kankles – he asked if I wanted to go see Twilight tonight. Who are you and what have you done with my husband? Haha

 3. Compliments have quickly gone from “you  look great" and "you’re all belly” to “you’re really poochin’ out there.”  One co-worker calls me Little Mama. I was quick to inform her that if that ever changed to Big Mama, I would file a formal complaint. HAHA!!

 4. We have officially purchased nursery furniture. SHIT JUST GOT REAL.

 5.  DH wanted to know why there was only one stocking hanging from the mantel then slightly pouted when I said only the baby gets a stocking this year. NEWS FLASH BUD – YOU MEAN NOTHING TO ME NOW. Bwwaaahhhhhhhh!! Just kidding dear. But yeah, no stocking. DEAL. : )

Halfway

Today I am 20 weeks. 20 WEEKS!!   No matter how many times I say it, it still doesn't seem real. Where has the time gone? The beginning of this process seemed to take FOREVER. I felt like those were some of the longest days of my life. And now, in the blink of an eye, I have reached the halfway mark.  I told DH this morning, SHIT JUST GOT REAL.


Needless to say the worry has yet to cease. Although I suspect it probably never will. I held my breath the entire morning until we heard the heartbeat today. I'm always shocked that my blood pressure before each appointment isn't 400/200. I've only gained 7 pounds so far. Which is even more shocking considering the amount of food I consumed overThanksgiving. Safe to say my appetite has picked up. I'm pretty much like a hoover vacuum cleaner at this point.

I've started to feel the baby move and DH finally felt it Monday night. I reached for something across my body and felt it kick my elbow. I don't think I have ever been so amazed in my entire life. Of course, now there are looooong stretches of time when I feel no movement and I start to freak out even though every single thing I have read says it is perfectly normal at this stage.

Most of the initial pain and constipation has FINALLY subsided. I think the nurse was in complete disbelief this morning when I had no complaints or concerns. In fact, one nurse cheered when she noticed we were halfway. Is it a good thing to be well-known at your OB's office? hmmmmm I'm not sure?!?! Have to reflect on that one. HA!  Anyway....I saw this shirt on pin.terest the other day and thought to myself that all pregnant women deserve this as a consolation prize after the first trimester is over. : )





While I am finally starting to look at and buy baby things, I can't help but think of all my fellow IF bloggers who are still trying. My heart breaks everytime I read bad news.  It's like a punch in the gut because I know that awful feeling all too well. It lives within in me and I pray daily and thank god for the opportunity before us and I also beg him not to let it be taken away if at all possible. I have been thinking alot about the birthing process the last few weeks. I have never really let myself think to far ahead but when your baby ticker on the.bu.mp.com tells you there are only 140 days left, well you start to let your mind wander.  I don't worry about the pain or if my husband will pass out or how long labor will last or if I will have to end up having a c-section. I just wonder if this baby will know the moment it's born what a miracle it is and how truly grateful I am that I was chosen to be its Mama. I know I plan to spend the rest of my life showing it.

The Scary I Promised

Our first trimester blood work showed an increased risk of Down’s. The longest week of my life passed before we got results of a new test (MaterniT21) that is 99.1% accurate. It actually takes the baby’s DNA from my blood and tests it for chromosomal abnormalities. Thank the good Lord that came back negative for all three trisomies.  Oh but the fun does NOT end there. At our anatomy scan last week they discovered baby J (For our last name – no indication of name because well, we don’t have one yet. Ha!)  is missing the middle digit of its pinky finger. Which is apparently a soft marker for Down’s. **sigh*** At this point I am just wondering what a normal appointment/ ultrasound with no bad news would be like?!?!?!

So the scenarios are as follows:  a) we do an amnio which is 99.7% accurate but also carries a miscarriage risk, b) the digit still might develop, c) it means nothing since 1 in 3 people in the general population have this and the only result is a slightly bent pinky finger or d) we stop this madness and hope and pray for a healthy baby.

As you can imagine, we have opted for  scenario D. Otherwise, I am going to lose my ^%$*&^$# mind. SERIOUSLY. There is still a .9% chance my baby has Down’s Syndrome but I know I cannot change the outcome. If it’s true, then so be it. I just know that I refuse to spend this entire pregnancy worrying about every little thing. God has already made his plans for this child and my job is to love and raise it no matter what. And dammit that is what I am going to do.

The moral of the story is, when you are over age 35 and trying to start a family, the medical community just likes to scare the SHIT out of you.
BASTARDS.

17 weeks

Today was our Anatomy Scan - it was exciting and scary all at the same time - But what hasn't been in this process. **sigh*** I'll explain later but for now, just feast your eyes on this preciousnous above.

Thank you God for this day.

Some Things Never Change

I often wonder if/how/when I will ever let go of being infertile.  I know we’ve climbed a major mountain, but the descent is proving to be just as challenging. I hate to sound ungrateful because there is no amount of joy that compares with the promise of becoming a mom after so much time, heartache and disappointment, but in all honesty, I feel like the same girl who had peed on her thousandth stick and wondered will this every happen or am I destined to live my life without a child of my own. She is still there, at the front of my mind, at every twinge or story about how ‘so and so lost her child at the stage you are at now’ (which by the way is SO helpful).   

All I do lately is…….

Compare my SIL’s 27 week bump to my measly 16 week bump.

Feel jealous over Face.book pregnancy announcements knowing they probably happened naturally

Be deathly afraid to buy, plan, or talk about anything related to this baby. I can’t bear the thought of having to return an outfit, take down a crib or “remember when I was so happy……” Yeah, no thanks.

Not want to find out the gender partly because one day I might have to miss a son or daughter I never got to hold.  (The other part is just to spite people who seem devastated that they won’t know my baby’s gender and openly suggest I am putting a huge damper on their plans in the meantime. Grrrrrrr)

Feel sick to my stomach when we announce our news to a couple who tells us they tried and failed IVF three times.

Take a week to write a post because I am so deathly afraid I will have to write one later documenting a loss.

Keep rubbing my stomach and telling the little one to hang in there for me because I need him/her so badly to survive this.

Thank God almost every day for this opportunity even if he plans to take it all away. 

I can't imagine holding my child in my arms one day. I can't imagine how it will look, feel, sound....  I also can't imagine NOT knowing either. And that is what gets me through all these days.

Oh Glorious Day

There are no better words to hear than "your test results are negative for Down's, Trisomy 13 and Trisomy 18." Today will go down as one of the very best days of my life. Thank you all for thinking of me through what can only be described as some dark, dark days.

God is so good.

So this is what it feels like....

...to be trapped in a nightmare and unable to wake up. As if this pregnancy hasn't been the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire  life, the universe isn't done testing me just yet.

Got a call late yesterday that my first trimester screening bloodwork indicated an elevated risk of Down's. There will never be a time that i will NOT hear that sentence playing over and over in my brain. So now....we meet with a genetics counselor tomorrow morning to discuss further testing options.

Lord, if I have never needed you before, now is the time that I need you the most. Give me the strength to face whatever you have in store for me and this child.

You Get What You Wish For?

I know my announcement might sting a little to some of you. I mean it used to feel like the end of the world to me. Even perfect strangers announcing cut me to the core. And the worst part was when they said, “all you have to do is believe…if it can happen to me, it can happen to you….it’s a miracle from God….blah blah blah” – yeah frankly I wanted to kick them in the crotch.  SO I hope and pray that I don’t come across that way in any way shape or form. And for those of you in any pain, I’m truly, truly sorry for that.

If it makes you feel any better, this has been a pretty rough 1^st trimester. I hate to complain ’cause well I only have myself to blame. Ha!  I mean I PAID GOOD MONEY to feel like this. And I admit I was one of THOSE people who use to think, morning sickness, cankles, feeling like death…BRING IT.  BUT 3 months of constant pain/discomfort/generally feeling like poop – WELL, it still sucks no matter how much you welcome it.  Don’t get me wrong, I would feel this way for the whole 9 months if it meant I get to be a mom but again, it’s not fun by any sense of the word. And trying to hide it from the world only makes it that much harder. Plus I’ve had the IVF complications to contend with. So yeah – for the most part, I feel like crap and I’m scared to death. Not much morning sickness though. AMEN HALLELUJAH PRAISE THE LORD.

Someone told me yesterday they can't stand to hear pregnant women complain. Yeah, bullshit. There isn’t a human being on earth that doesn’t complain when it hurts to walk. No one wishes for pain. And it doesn’t hurt any less when it’s something you ASKED FOR or WANTED.  Pain is pain is pain. So basically what I’m finding out quickly is that as lonely as IF is, unfortunately, pregnancy just might prove to be lonelier. **sigh**

(And for the record, I have NEVER once complained about being pregnant.)

What they don't tell you......

IVF that results in a pregnancy can also result in giant ovaries for months which causes fluid to pool in your belly which cause these most excruciating pain you have ever felt up to this point which then causes the RE to have to insert a GIANT needle into your vaginal wall to drain said fluid, but only after he tells you repeatedly, “it doesn’t hurt at all” but it actually IS the worst pain you have ever felt, up to this point.

You will soon be too fat for your clothes but not fat enough for maternity clothes. There just are not enough flowy shirts on earth to cover up the fact that my pants are held together with a rubber band on a daily basis.

You aren’t even out of your first trimester and your mom already wants to know what color the nursery will be, what you plan to name it, what it will call her AND has no qualms about yelling across a crowded store to ask whether you plan to breast feed. (CRINGE) You can TRY to tell her to take a deep breath, take a step back and not get ahead of herself to which she will reply with a text of 25 possible baby names. **sigh**

Said mother will also refuse to understand why you have no intention of decorating the nursery in pastel pink, baby blue, green or yellow. OH THE HORROR.

Your husband might still refuse to acknowledge and/or talk about all things baby. Why? Because he is scared out of his mind, that’s why.   It’s heartbreaking but at the same time makes me want to break his face.

The reaction you get from most people when you reveal you are 'expecting' is often not what you expected. I got accused of lying, being mean to wait so long before telling and tears from people who never cry and no tears from people who cry all the time. WTF.  Confusing and exhausting. 

People will be HORRIFIED if you reveal you do not plan to find out the gender. How dare you make it impossible for them to buy pink or blue.  I mean how selfish can you be!! (tee hee)

The constipation can be MIND NUMBING.  People, did I mention MIND NUMBING? 

  

The 2ww frenzy is NOTHING compared to the time between ultrasounds to ensure there is still a heartbeat and a baby growing in there. OMG if Wednesday doesn’t get here soon, I’m going to LOSE my mind.

The worry never ends. I spend every single second in constant fear that I will lose this child. I have a feeling birth does not end that fear.

                Making a decision to have a child--it's momentous. It is to decide forever to have  your heart go walking around outside your body. - Elizabeth Stone

And last but not least…..Men have NO IDEA how much cribs cost so the jaw dropping price tag you find on the crib you would die to have…yeah you can totally get it. : )

Scared Shitless

Today I am 11 weeks pregnant - proof that IVF works, prayer changes everything, and a little bit of faith goes a LONG way. Now please excuse me while I freak the FK out for the next 29 weeks.

I Hear Ya God

Sometimes, it’s so strange how life works. Just when you feel you are most alone…just when you can’t imagine that God is anywhere near you because everything just hurts so damn much…just when you can’t feel anymore pity for yourself because you’ve reached the ‘my life is worthless' pinnacle…this is when God says, “haha – told you so.” (And yes I totally picture him sticking his tongue out with his thumbs in his hears saying nana nana boo boo!! Ha!)

Being an HR rep, I get many calls regarding medications, doctor’s visits, etc. You name it, I get asked it. Sometimes these calls/conversations go way over the TMI line. WAAAAAY over.  This morning I got a phone call from a sales rep who immediately began asking about insurance coverage of certain medications. Shockingly said medications were follistim, menopur…after  that I couldn’t tell you a word he said because the ringing in my ears was so loud I thought I was surely going deaf.   I vaguely remember him mentioning the RE practice and low and behold, it was the same place we just completed our first IVF cycle. I don’t think I have ever had such a moment of clarity in my entire life. God might as well have hit me over the head with the receiver. 

I’m sure I overstepped 26,356 HR boundaries but what the hell, I went for it. I shut my door and proceeded to make this guy’s ear bleed for the next 30 minutes. By the time we hung up, I swear I could tell he was smiling through the phone. In fact, next time I see him, I’m giving him a big bear hug, rules or no rules.  This man started the call scared to death then sounded like he couldn’t wait to give his wife their first shot.

If I get nothing else out of this experience, I feel like it was my purpose to answer that call and tell this particular person that he and his wife were in great hands and they would survive IVF and come out on the other side stronger than they ever thought possible. I feel like God purposely gave me the knowledge of the IVF experience to help this guy out, if only to let him breathe a few sighs of relief, knowing he wasn’t alone in this process and that people cared and were rooting for him and his wife. On the worst days, now that I look back, that’s really all it would have taken for me to smile.

Before we ended the call, he asked me the one question I was afraid of but knew was inevitable ……….

Did. It. Work?

The Writing on the Wall

What's more painful than 50 progesterone shots? Maybe your mother-in-law asking you in a mass email to help with your sister-in-law's baby shower. 

What's worse than OHSS? Your mother-in-law then forwarding an email from your sister-in-law about how much fun she had this weekend registering for baby items. (is it just me or is 20 weeks a little too soon for that?)

What's almost worse than 18 months of BFN's? Your husband responding to said email, "sure, we'd love to help."  (UUmmmm...anyone have a sofa I can crash on tonight and the next 365 nights?)

Its clear to me I made a huge mistake including family members in our struggles. Or maybe just MY family is full of clueless idiots. I swear no matter how much you share the pain, no matter how much you think people should understand, the truth is, they just don't.  Unless they've been down the IF road before, Im starting to think the human population just doesn't get it all all. And that my friends is perhaps the most painful thing of all.

Excuse me while I go spray paint it on a damn wall somewhere. (IDIOTS...gah)

IVF: Lessons Learned

We told a few family members and close friends about the IVF. In hindsight, I wish we’d told NO ONE. 5 of those 7 people ask me on a daily basis if it worked. And if not, they ask how I am feeling. EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. I know they are just being concerned but if it DID work, its going to be a loooooong 9 months. I'm surprise being hopped up on so many hormones that I haven't spewed out some detail they truly don't want to hear. Although maybe I should start giving them gory details like my ovaries are so large, yesterday, when I pooped, the pain was so intense I blacked out (no lie, true story). Think maybe that will shut 'em up?

If you think the typical 2ww is hell, then newsflash: there is no bigger hell than the 2ww wait, then 3 week then 4 week wait after IVF.  I’ve had a weekly panic attack at this point. 

You no longer care how many ultrasound wands get shoved up your hoo ha.  I tried to count how many I’ve had thus far, and I couldn’t. Is that sad?

If the stress level of IVF is any indication of how insane of a parent I will be, my future kid(s) will be royally screwed.  I keep waiting for my RE’s office to call the men in white jackets. I expect a standing ovation and full on celebration if/when I am released from there.

The endless needles are the least painful part of IVF so no use in wasting complaints on how much they hurt.  Much worse things are in store. MUCH.

My husband has really shown himself in a new light. He was pretty unsure about all this nonsense but he has been right by my side every step of the way and really stepped up to the plate at home. Don’t tell him I told you but I found out he even knows how to work the dishwasher. The secret is out. NO GOING BACK NOW BABE!!  : )

I never in a million years dreamed this is where life would take me, but needless to say it has been the adventure of a lifetime! One I will do all over again in a heartbeat if I have to.  The strength you find in yourself is utterly amazing.

Like clockwork, when it rains it pours, and all those others fancy ways to say it........

So the inevitable happened. Just as I knew it would. Why? Because folks THAT is the story of my life.

During my in-laws anniversary dinner this weekend, the brother-in-law and his wife presented them with...wait for it.........


A SONOGRAM PHOTO. 


Yep, as if the knife in my side needed one more twist. They, of course, gave me a heads up because they 'weren't sure how i felt about crying in a restaurant - their words, NOT mine.  If we are being honest here, the tears I probably could have  held in for oh half an hour or so until dinner was done and we were in the safety of our own car, BUT the two whole hours and trying to get food past the ginormous lump in my throat - really not all that pleasant of a meal for me as you might have guessed.

What kills me is if you were trying to spare my feelings AT ALL, how about NOT including us in your very public announcment. Or maybe tell me before I have on a full face of makeup and we are walking out the door to go to dinner. I mean I doubt anyone will notice my red eyes, tear streaked face or the fact that I can't get a piece of lettuce down without choking. But thanks for thinking of me.

Whats even better, it was day 5 of lupron and day 1 of stims and I was going on about 2 hours of sleep (had to get up at 4am for a yard sale). As you can imagine, I cried most of the all night, esp. after DH said I was ruining his 'becoming an uncle' news for him. Wow - how dare me.

So for now, I'll just be over here, in the corner, by myself, with all my vials and needles and swollen ovaries, not bothering anybody EVER AGAIN.

Things I Question

Barnes & Noble does not carry a single book on IVF. Not one!!! I believe my chin is still on the floor at the customer service desk. They have a trillion on IBS though, in case you are wondering. And I’ve learned its best to enuuuuunciate when approaching the subject. **sigh**

Starting the IVF meds one day late is not a deal breaker. Try telling that to my overly obsessed, frenzied self who failed to check the box the pharmacy sent until the day of. Yeah, they left step one out completely.  And apparently this is the most common ‘emergency’ call my RE office receives after normal business hours.  Really? Who woulda thunk it?!

A pharmacist is ALWAYS trying to drum up business, even if she is sweet, kind and gives you her personal cell # to call 24/7 in the event that you need ANYTHING. But please do not fail to  mention this kindness and generosity and the fact the she was the only person on the East Coast able to fill above mentioned prescription at 8pm on a moment’s notice to the doctor who suggested her. I mean I suppose it’s the least I could do, right. pffttt (eye roll)

How does the universe know when you have spent your last dime on IVF and then plays mean tricks on you?  And why does it have to make the expensive things break?  And how does it know that a nice big kick while you are down would be to break the A/C when its over 100 degrees for 10 straight. Just HOW?

How come when you finally start to get pumped and ready for IVF and things start looking up and you feel positive, oh I don’t know, for the first time EVER, someone announces a pregnancy. And it hurts like a muther. Even if you have never met this person in real life. **sigh***

How is it that every single individual, medically speaking, that I have had to deal with regarding our current IVF cycle has earned a gold star for their impeccable sense of empathy, knowledge, and willingness to cater to my every need and beckon call EXCEPT the acupuncturist staff.  I mean am I wrong or is stress relief their freakin’ SPECAILTY or did I miss read the cards they have specifically placed on the desk of the RE office advertising their services to coincide with IVF cycles. HELLO? Get a personality and be nice, will ya? I promise, it won’t hurt! And I bet it will do WONDERS for my stress relief.  Hmpf…

How on earth is DH going to stick that giant Progesterone needle in my backside for weeks? I mean just looking at the needle already makes me want to throw up and we aren’t even close to being there yet. As if I don’t have to suffer enough already.  And don’t even try to butter me up with the tiny 30G insulin needle I use for the Lupron. I’m still not happy. The End.

Apparently my therapist was right when she told me I might have to spend the rest of my life stating the obvious to my DH people.  I without thinking assumed that when you know i'm currently taking mind numbing, body changing IVF medications and I tell you I feel like crap, you won't assume or ask me if I'm getting a cold. THERE.ARE.NO.WORDS. 

Don't Mock Me

Today was mock transfer day. Yeah it sucked but not half as bad as the IUI sucked. About 4,506,538 bajillion times less painful. Thank you Doctor!! You’re good people as far as I’m concerned. Even if you didn’t laugh at my 'using humor to mask nervousness’ jokes…..

After that 5 minutes of umcomfortableness (mostly because my husband asked if I wanted him to leave the room while I got undressed. WHAT.), I went downstairs to schedule the acupuncture. Booked solid for weeks. OK. so if you are booked solid leading up to the transfer, what about for the transfer itself? Oooohh...you always have an extra room set up for that. Ok. Good to know. Esp. since I am about to have a freakin’ meltdown in your lobby!! But I digress…

What I AM having trouble wrapping my head around is A) how an IVF nurse can yell out into the waiting room of an IVF clinic to the people she has just called back. “(squeeaaaal) I’m so excited for you two”, and B) WHY GOD WHY are their huge wrapped canvas photos of babies on the walls?!?!?!? Is it their warped version of motivational posters? The holiday photo cards next to the elevator I can ALMOST justify – I mean advertise your success. I get that. But perfect babies in baskets of fluffy blankets wearing angel wings really isn’t making me want to double my medication dose so much as throw myself out of your third floor window, K?

On a lighter note I started the Cir.cle+Bl.oom meditation CD’s last night. On July 4^th. Right at dark. Let me tell you, nothing relaxes you more than a dark room, a soothing voice, and bombs bursting in air. LOL. I had to laugh at myself - not my best idea. But from what I can tell, I think the CD’s were a worthy purchase. As will be my next purchase- a portable CD player. I should probably have been more specific when I asked DH if he had one and if I could borrow it. By portable he thought I meant not nailed down I guess because he granted my request by hauling his 1989 larger than my whole body boom box upstairs for me. ahhhhh – NOT what I had in mind BUT thanks for the gesture. Gotta love him though!!!

My meds should arrive tomorrow. Thanks goodness most of the office is on vacay – I’m seriously not excited about explaining to nosey people what I’ve ordered that needs refrigerating. Or why I have a cooler in my office. Esp. since I’m HR. Oh the rumors I will start. : )

Happy almost Friday and only 5 more days of BC! Woo hoo (it’s the small things)!

Holiday Schmoliday...

This pretty much sums up the way I view the world these days.

(notice thats beer in the stroller)

Happy 4th or whatever. 

It's Official

I’m coo coo. I bought a decoration for a nursery. (gawd – insert forehead slap here). In  my defense, it was technically an outdoor/garden/patio decoration but all I could think about was how stinkin’ cute it would be on a shelf in a nursery. And I knew if I didn’t buy it, I would kick myself later when I couldn’t find another one. See, one day I will thank me!! Or either I just jinxed the shit out of myself. Either way, what’s done is done.

It could have been worse, right? I could have been perusing the baby aisles at Target, PRETENDING to buy a registry gift. Or rubbing onesie’s at Belk. But, nooooooooo. I was minding my own business in a discount store that I frequent for decorative items. SWEAR.TO.GOD. What can I say?  It spoke to me.

Still I pulled the ‘ole ‘hide it in your trunk from your husband’ technique. Not because I thought he would give me a hard time for spending money we need to save (which he would) BUT because he would probably immediately summon the men in white coats. 

I smiled all the way to the car. All the way home. It just made me feel better dammit. Like this is not an IF but a WHEN. People keep telling me a little hope goes a long way. So there's your hope. Right there people. Right next to the garden gnomes and flower pots. And now in my trunk. 

Happy Friday!!

WPMOW (what pisses me off wednesday)

Along the same lines as What I’m Loving Wednesday but different.

-    The IVF nurse told me yesterday that a positive attitude goes a long way. Easy to say when you aren’t the one being the human pin cushion. And btw- a knuckle sandwich is pretty long lasting as well. hmpf…..

-     I need to start counting days so I know when to start meds. Friggin’ impossible when AF starts. Stops. Starts. Then stops again. Seriously, my body hates me.

-    The only questions DH asked the IVF nurse yesterday was when could be DO IT? Really? REALLY? That’s your concern? Buddy, you better focus on how not to get your eyes scratched out for the next few weeks. Jus sayin…..

-    The timing of this IVF cycle will more than likely make me have to miss a concert I have been looking forward to for months. As if infertility hasn’t taken enough away from me already. sigh…………….

-     I emailed my DH all the details of my weird AF today. His response was he almost lost his breakfast. Really? Note to self: he gets ALL THE GORY DETAILS from here on out. ALL! Why should I suffer alone? : )

-     I will suffer possibly up to 8 weeks of painful shots in my rear, major hormonal shifts, feeling like tee total crap I’m guessing for much of the duration of this process, weight gain and god knows what else. DH gets to masturbate. HOW IS THIS FAIR?????????

-    I was all geared up to follow the EZ fertility diet. NO WHITE WINE. Bitch please………..

Not a Father's Day

As we sat in church yesterday, before the minister spoke a single word, a huge lump formed in my throat and I wondered if today bothered my husband as much as Mother’s Day bothered me. He didn’t mention it. His facial expressions (or lack thereof, I mean its church- He typically yawns and looks at his watch a lot) gave nothing away. He even accepted the money clip, passed out to all the ‘dads’ or any male of adult age, with what resembled pride. Even if his stupid wife did say immediately, BUT YOU’RE NOT A DAD. Way to go, girl. WAY.TO.GO.

I know he is male. I know has to be strong. But it had to sting at least a little. Thankfully, the sermon did not focus on being a parent but more on setting a godly example for everyone you meet. I could have seriously hugged the guy after the service. Shockingly enough, he and his wife are unable to bear children. Or adopt. Go figure.

On the way home, while discussing some things that are up in the air for us, he said, out loud for the first time, we should focus on a pregnancy first. I have felt so alone up until this point, like the burden was completely on my shoulders. But now, it felt like he was making the decision too. Like this meant as much to him as it meant to me. Like for the first time, maybe since we got married, that we were husband and wife and this was our plan to move forward. Together.

I would have given my life to be able to wish this man a Happy Father’s Day yesterday. 

One for the Money

A financial advisor from the IVF office called this morning. Hands down the NICEST person I have ever dealt with, medically speaking, in my entire life. And that's saying something because I have dealt with A LOT of them. But I guess when you are calling to collect $9500, you kinda have to be nice.

Yep, that was not a typo! You heard read it correctly. $10,000 smackeroos. And that's only half. And yet, she had me laughing, cracking jokes even. But she sounded so..I don't know...GENUINE. Like she really was on our side. Like she really wanted this to pay off for us. Like nothing would make her happier. She even gave specifics of our last appointment which made it seem like she was actually GASP! reading our chart. I mean who is this godly women? And how do I find more like her?

Polar opposite of the last place who insisted their billing system was NEVER wrong and fought me every step of the way over three charges I insisted WERE wrong. I finally gave up, figuring said world famous teaching hospital needed that money more than I did (god knows they need another shiny weird unidentifiable sculpture in the cafeteria) and paid it. And yesterday got a nice big ole fat refund check for the exact amount I was fighting. **sigh**  I'm too tired to even bitch about make fun of the anymore...... Althought a huge part of me wants to mail them a copy of the check with TOLD YOU SO written across the top BUT I'll just let that one lie. Don't want to spoil the illusion for them or anything. (insert eye roll here)

So this is the last weekend we get to spend with a hufe chunk of our life savings. I wonder how we should handle it. Cash it out and roll around in it? Print out the statement and light it on fire? Hold a vigil?   I'm thinking it deserves at least a round or 10 of cocktails!!  Yeah that sounds about right. Cheers to you, you money, you payer of the hopeful conception of my child(ren), you opportunity for my hopes and dreams to come true, you reason I don't jump off the nearest bridge (yet), you once in a lifetime chance to complete my world. But no pressure of course.  You just do your best! wink

Five Friday Facts

1 – I scheduled our IVF nurse class. HUGE step for me. I guess the first step is always the hardest?! And what does my husband find out? He is scheduled to travel. What do I tell him? TOO DAMN BAD. He told them he would be a day late. Take that, corporate bullies.

2 – I am probably going to ovulate tomorrow. I haven’t mentioned this to the hubs. Part of me is banging my fist on my head saying dummy – why would you waste a perfectly good cycle. The other part of me says -eh...what’s the point. Doesn’t work anyway.  It’s kind of liberating actually because frankly BD is becoming a chore.  And if the man can’t count to 14, well then………he’s on his own (why? because I am mean like that sometimes!).

3 – I started group therapy this week. Very first thing, a guy talks about his three kids. Next up, a woman talks about her kids. **sigh** It’s going to be a loooooooooong three months. I slipped and mentioned the infertility in the first 10 minutes. NOT my plan. I didn’t want to divulge it this soon, if at all. But I guess it’s always forefront in my mind. And all these strangers with their blank stares wanting to know why it’s hard for me to get out of bed in the morning. Once they divulged some of their problems, I felt guilty and stupid and non –deserving. I guess that’s why I’m in group therapy. **sigh**

4 – We are about to spend the weekend with 3 children under the age of 6. They are precious. They love some me!! (I am a child magnet – go figure).  I want to look forward to it but I just can’t. I have packed extra beer and wine.

5 – Our families have a bajillion birthdays in the month of May, which along with Mother’s Day, makes this the single busiest month of  the entire year for us. It’s exhausting. If we proceed with IVF as scheduled and by some miracle it works, we might have a May baby. This just makes me laugh on the inside – esp. since my mom has spent a lifetime begging my sister and I not to give birth in the month of May or she will kill over. Wouldn’t that just be something. : )

What you ask?

I stole this from one of the umpteen thousand blogs I read but can't remember which one so its hard to give credit where credit is due. But to whoever posted it, it really struck a nerve with me. And the answer is, become a mom. No matter what it takes. That's what!!!!!!

Aaaaaand we’re back.

Not just from the most amazing trip ever but back TO reality (read as infertility).  Not that we ever really left it. My body didn’t get the memo that we were on vacay, so the spotting began about day 3 AND AF paid a visit on the flight home. FANTASTIC!  I wasn’t shocked. Or sad really. Well, ok sad but I didn’t throw myself off any mountain peaks as I might have done early on in this process, so we’re good.  But I was reminded that no matter how beautiful your surroundings, no matter how much fun you are having, and no matter how happy you feel – perhaps the happiest you have ever felt in your life, you cannot escape infertility. Not even for a little while.

Let’s start with the flight there. Very first person I see in the airport and every person after that. Pregnant. **sigh** Really? Is this necessary? I retaliated by having a pre-flight margarita. Did I mention our flight was at 9:40 am??? tee hee Take that pregnant lady!!!!

The good news is being possibly pregnant in Colorado would NOT have been fun. I have never done so much physical activity on a vacation in my life. Good lord how do these people relax???  Had I been pregnant or even thought it for a second, I would have been a nervous wreck the entire time since I am pretty sure NOTHING we did was safe for a woman with child. Or at least that’s what I kept telling my over active, every little thing that could go wrong, pregnancy obsessed mind.

Colorado is also not absent of baby, strollers, and preggos either. THEY.ARE.EVERY.WHERE. Again silly me for thinking I could escape it. The flight home had no less than 20 small children/babies on it. The mom next to me kept apologizing to me as her baby used her as a jungle gym the entire 4 hours. Her other two small children acted like angels. Did I mention one was her adopted daughter from Ethiopia?  OK GOD. I HEAR YOU. And lady, I would give a trillion million dollars to be in your position so PLEASE STOP APOLOGIZING.

We attended a cookout for Memorial Day. Umpteen kids there, of all shapes and sizes. Shocker.  Did it sting a little? Yes. Did I ewww and ahhhhh over  two little toe heads the first 30 minutes? Yes. Was I glad I could guzzle beer while their dad tried to feed them both food with CHILI on it, while keeping them seated, plates on laps and holding two puppies back from gobbling up their lunches. YES, YES I did and I didn’t feel guilty AT ALL. : )  Frankly, the entire party was total chaos. And I can’t say that a tiny part of me wasn’t thankful I got to go home and leave all that chaos behind.  Oh, did I mention there was a grandmother there with two little ones she is currently fighting her drugged out son for custody?! Yeah. Again. FAN FREAKING TASTIC.

And so…..

Real life started again today. Back to the grind. First item on my to do list: email the IVF nurse and tell her we are ready to move forward and don’t even blink when you hit send. Yep I'd say reality just slapped me in the face. : )

Leaving on a jet plane……

Tomorrow I will be high in the sky on my way to COLORADO. Yes, I yelled that. I.AM.SO.EXCITED.

We need a break. Far away from shots and ultrasounds and hormones and peeing on sticks. We need to be free and have fun and enjoy being just US (maybe for the last time? I secretly wonder to myself).  Today is 6 dpo. I don’t know if I’m pregnant or not. For once, I’m not sure I care. Now when/if AF rears her ugly head next weekend, I will probably beg the flight attendants for a) more vodka b) to open the hatch or c) all of the above. 

But until then, I’m going to soak in some bee-u-tee-full scenery, explore caves, check out ghost towns, white water raft for the first time (OMFG) go horseback riding and SHOP, yes holy god shop. (can I get an amen?) and hopefully enjoy a few cocktails or 20.  ; ) 

For now I will be happy and not worry about anything else but having fun and enjoying life. I think we deserve at least a week of that. For a whole week, I won't be infertile. 

(Dear God, aside from not letting the plane crash, please please please don't sit me beside a pregnant lady. thank you! Amen)

Today I am…..

37 years old.

I’m still no closer to becoming a mother. But what I realized this morning when I woke up in my beautiful bedroom in my nice home beside my husband who cooked me dinner and bought me a BEAUTIFUL amethyst necklace from  my favorite jeweler AND my favorite cupcakes from my favorite bakery is that life, albeit not what I had envisioned at this age, ain’t  half bad. In fact, I’m down right lucky. And deep down, I’ve always known it.

As a gift to myself, I ordered our genetics test kit which is required by our IVF doctor. First step taken. Deeeeep breath…

I.CAN.DO.THIS.

SHUT THE FRONT DOOR

"I felt more powerful than I've ever felt in my life. I felt connected to my body. I felt like I knew my purpose in the world."-  Beyoncé Knowles on giving birth

It’s BS things like this and idiots people like her that make me want to scream my head off. THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK FAMOUS PERSON WHO EVERYONE SEES, HEARS, ENVIES, STRIVES TO IMITATE.  Try peeing on three hundred and fourty eleven thousand sticks, having a wand shoved up your hoo hah every other day, giving yourself shots in the stomach, shooting up meds that make you fat, ugly bloated, pissed off and evil, then get back to me on how connected you feel to your body (which by the way fails you at every turn) and THEN we’ll talk. Until then stfu and go paint your nails blue and buy a blue car and because frankly someone with all that supposed style and class should be able to come up with a better name for their child than a primary color. 

Now excuse me while I go seek out MY purpose in the world which is apparantly different than most women.

 

Remind me to cancel my subscription to People Magazine.

Five Friday Facts

1 - I have a new aversion to eggs and my coffee tastes like crap today – 3 different attempts with three very different cups. What the heck is going on with my taste buds?  Do people not hoping they are pregnant think this way?? ha

2 - I got a glowing job review today. Wow – I must be one heck of an actress. That's all I have to say 'bout that.

 

3 - I’m torn about posting anything regarding Infertility Awareness Week on FB. On one hand, I think it would make people realize they suck sometimes in the things they say to me and others AND it would def. bring awareness to our plight – I heart the theme DON’T IGNORE.  But, am I really ready to tell the world my BIZNISS!?

4 - I had a minor scare this week that one of my besties who isn’t really ready to have kids and not trying not preventing (read as she will probably get pregnant before me) might be with child. Alas, false alarm but OMG I was a wreck. I hate myself for that.

5 - I gave a VERY pregnant lady the hairy eyeball last night in the salon. She was getting highlights. Now mind you, I know it was probably her last ditch effort to do something nice for herself and make herself feel better and look nice for her impending birth BUT someone told her she looked cute.  And her response, NO I’M HUGE. Well yes dumb pregnant lady risking her child’s health for pretty hair, that’s because you have a human being inside your uterus. UUUUUMKAY?  (In my defense, I get highlights every 7 weeks and have no idea how I would survive 9 months without them but I am still torn on this subject since any risks I take will have to be measured by the astronomical amount of time, energy and money it will have taken for me to be in said predicament).  I’m not sure what pissed me off more – that she WAS in fact very cute pregnant or that she was complaining.   

Happy Friday - I guess.

WTH Wednesday

I have been nauseous, light headed and cramping for three days straight. But nope NOT PREGNANT. Not even close.  WTH

My therapist got irritated with me at this weeks’ session– actually threw her head back, yelled and acted like she was pulling her hair out. Uuuum yeah, and I thought going was supposed to make me feel better. WTH

My mom emailed me ANOTHER photo of someone’s baby. How many times do I have to ask her not to do this before I go completely batshitcrazy ?! WTH

I just finished a great book. The plot – a girl who cheats on her fiancé with his best friend and ends up…yep, you guessed it PREGNANT. And even better, with TWINS! WTH

On a recent weekend beach trip, I actually felt sorry for two young moms with little ones because they couldn’t lay in the sand, drink beer and nap and read trashy magazines. WTH is wrong with me?

For two brief seconds today, I considered not trying this month so I can zip line, white water raft and ride horses during our trip to Aspen next month. WTH

Brace for Impact

No matter how much I brace myself, pregnancy announcements always rock me to the core. It doesn’t matter who they are – family member, brief acquaintance, someone I have never met – it’s all the same to me. What should be happy news really makes me want to curl up in to a ball and die. Yep – that good.

There were two announcements this week that should have had zero effect on me. I mean they are two couples who I rarely see and perhaps the sweetest, most deserving people you will ever meet. BUT there is hardly ever just the pregnancy to find out about. There always seems to be a good ‘ole story behind how it happened. And shocking I know  but they never seem to involve a struggle – always some grateful to god mind blowing coincidence that restores everyone’s faith (except mine) but never a long, drawn out, expensive, heart wrenching story.

The first couple has been married for a while. So they are probably to the point of their perfect plan where they are ready to start trying. She goes off the pill for ONE month.  Boom.  Pregnant.  The other announced they were divorcing mid last year. I’m so happy they found their way back to each other. BUT she wasn’t even sure she wanted kids. Not yet anyway.  Boom.  Pregnant.

Every time I think about it, I swear I tear up. I know I know. I am a horrible, horrible person for thinking these thoughts that I think. But my heart physically hurts knowing that we have to wait for year(s), spend umpteen thousand dollars and a whole lot of heartache just to MAYBE get what should happen naturally. I feel so robbed. So cheated.  And so rotten for feeling this way.

My brother in law told us he wanted to talk to the family this weekend……….. the rest of the sentence was about  a rental property on the family land. But all I heard was the sound of my blood rushing through my ears. Everything went black. If I react that way to THAT, how in the hell will I handle it when they really make the baby announcement?! 

When I started spotting yesterday, it hurt. And I knew there was no way on this planet that we could be pregnant – we spent my entire fertile week not speaking. But part of me wants my miracle story – not one of waiting, worrying and anguish, but one with WOW factor that makes everyone say ‘oh what a blessing from God” blah blah blah. I HATE those kinds of sentiments but the selfish part of me doesn’t want to be robbed of even that.

**sigh** I’ve reached a new low.  

I Need a Sign

I just realized it’s been almost a month since I last posted. A MONTH. How in the hell does that happen. I mean I have so much to say. Or at least I DID - Back when I was all consumed by IF and I lived and breathed and ate and slept and analyzed and dreamed it 24 f’n 7.

For the last 13 months, the path has been pretty clear. From the time I knew this wasn’t going to be an easy journey, I had a plan in place. Full steam ahead until we make this happen. I even found  myself doing some minor manipulating in order to sway my not so full steam ahead DH in the direction I thought we should take (not something I’m proud of  but nevertheless, determination can be a beast sometimes!).  I read blogs.  I searched the internet. I read books. I ranted and raved on IF boards.  I spent virtually every waking hour thinking, researching and hell bent on getting pregnant.  I had very little time for anything else.

I couldn’t even look at a pregnant woman without seething. I gave up Facebook. I had to detox from my out of control slight obsession with celebrities and put down the People Magazines - I cannot count on all my fingers and toes the number of celebs expecting at this very moment  - the number is staggering. I mean what the hells in the water in Hollywood?  I know people think this makes me crazy but I can’t help it – it bothers me. These people have fame fortune and everything else, why do they get a baby too?????? It just fueled my idea that the entire universe was against me and the people around me didn’t deserve babies – only me. I questioned everyone and everything. Even God. How could HE do this to me?

Sometime, someway something shifted. I can’t give you a specific time or date or place. All I know is my vision has changed. The purpose is still the same of course, but I quickly realized that I was lost and going nowhere fast. It’s a hellacious way to live. My marriage was suffering. I mean how on earth can you plot a pregnancy when you don’t even try to do it the natural way anymore? This is what I/we had become. Strangers. Resentful. Asking ourselves if we even still want a child with this crazy loon person. DH doesn’t really touch me much these days but asks me on a regular basis if I have made a decision. This is a prime example of tables turning people in case you missed it!

And what decision you ask? Welp…that would be whether to try another IUI or move forward with IVF.  I thought I knew. If the new RE had offered to do it that day, I probably would have jumped his desk spread eagle that very minute.  But no worries.  He didn’t. And I didn’t.  What he did do was put me at ease. Make me confident. He didn’t make any promises he might not be able to keep. He didn’t make me feel stupid or silly for wanting something so badly. In fact, he almost made me feel like I was part of some elite club of people that get to do this awesome thing to make a baby.  I left there excited about the opportunity instead of dreading it. DH even said, “this guy kind of sounds like he knows what he is talking about.” I think they became buddies when he responded to my husband’s blank stare with “if you retain 30% of what I just said you are a hell of a lot better off than most men.” 

But, the question still remains. I have no idea how to proceed. I want to move forward but my feel seem perfectly planted on the ground.   I don’t know the right thing to do, the best way to go. I keep thinking the answer will fall from the sky and land in my belly. (Hey it could happen – I mean if a trip to Aruba or a relaxing cup of tea works, then anything is possible right?)  I keep waiting for a sign, a notion, a clear image of what path I am supposed to take.   It’s kind of like waiting for two pink lines. It doesn’t happen.

In the meantime, I took a jewelry class, repainted a side table in our dining room, hung pictures on the walls (we weren’t sure how long we would be living in our townhouse so most of our pictures are leaning again the wall on the floor), swapped my FB addiction for Pinterest and vowed to try 3 new recipes every week, kept seeing my therapist and started talking less about babies and more about why I am so f’d up in the head aside from IF.  On a trip home from a mountain wedding, we took the longer scenic route and it made me want to try white water rafting. WHAT.  I make sure I kiss my husband every night when he gets home from work, whether I really want to or not. I’m pitching in my grandmother’s 90^th birthday party – a step-grandmother who has never really considered or treated me like a granddaughter but hey, if you can’t beat ‘em, plan a fabulous birthday bash for ‘em, right?

I mean anything is better than the way it was before. I can’t go back there. I’m not sure I can pee on sticks, and give myself shots and spend $19,000 with no guarantee. I‘m just not sure I have the strength.  Even thinking about making a decision hurts my mind and my soul and frankly exhausts me. So for now, my answer is “I don’t know yet” and for the first time in a long time, I’m okay with that.