Forward

I've spent MANY MANY MANY New Year's eves down and out and feeling sorry for myself. For the first time ever, I am glad we have nothing planned, nowhere to be and no event that requires a new outfit, arranging for a DD or waiting in the freezing cold for a cab. Frankly, I'm just too damn old for that nonsense. For perhaps the first time in my entire life, I'm actually happy, content, and looking forward to what the future holds.

Now don't get me wrong, a huge part of me is still terrified of the days to come. I still have a nightmare almost every night that I lose this baby. Its a horrible way to spend a pregnancy but I am trying so hard to spend my waking hours being grateful, praising God, and remembering that I deserve to be a mother.  At the same time, I can't quite let go of the fact that others who so rightly deserve it also aren't in the position that I am in. I feel like my heart breaks a little more everyday for those who have given so much and are still trying to find the strength to press on and fight a good fight.  I know if sucks the life out of you and I know the deep seeded pain that to be honest, never really goes away.

I even found myself angry over THIS:

and THIS:



Yeah, I threw up a little in my mouth. Twice.


I know I have no right, but I can't help it -I'm tired of the world being so unfair. **sigh**  I'm just plain tired ya'll. 

With that said, My New Year's Resolutions are as follows:

1) Let go of the guilt
2) Plan for a healthy child
3) for the love of God stop reading PEOPLE magazine. : )

That is all.