Crazy, Beautiful

To say life is cray cray would be putting it mildly. I have so much to say yet silence is all I have time to muster these days. Motherhood is so much harder than I ever thought it would be but every now and again, I get these little glimpses and realize I'm living the crazy, beautiful life I always wanted. And this is proof.

 

 

 

So until I have time to write about said life, Merry Christmas to all and to all a "full night's sleep" 'cause that would truly be my Christmas miracle. ***sigh***

 



Thankful

Of all the things I am thankful for this year, you buddy, are at the top of the list. I can't and don't want to imagine life without you. There just aren't enough ways to express how much I love you and how grateful I feel to be your mom. I hope you always know. Even if you are closer to 8 months in this photo and wearing a onesie that is two sizes too small. 

Fat guy in a little coat....errr...onesie



Truer Words Have Not Been Spoken......

After a local radio DJ announced this morning that his third child was on the way, they asked listeners to call in with "THINGS NOONE TOLD YOU ABOUT HAVING A BABY." The other DJ being a mom of two little ones popped up and said, "no one tells you that after having a baby, for at least the first eight months, you arrive EVERYWHERE late AND you will arrive sweaty." Amen sista, AMEN. Happy Friday (from the girl who has been late to work every.single.day for 7 and a half months)!

Stages

I'm a person who has lived her life always anxiously anticipating the next stage - I couldn't wait until I was old enough to drive, because then I would be free to go anywhere I wanted. Then I couldn't wait to go to college so I could finally be out of my parent's house. And then I could't wait to graduate so I could start working a real job and make some real money. And then I couldn't wait to get meet someone and get married because then life wouldn't be so lonely. The grass always seemed greener. Funny looking back, it wasn't greener, just more to mow maybe. :) It's funny the stages you go through when you're infertile (and I use this term loosely). You start out with hope. SO.MUCH.HOPE. And you keep thinking, if only I could get pregnant, everything would be ok. And when it finally happens, you think if only I could get to 12 weeks, then the risk for a miscarriage goes down. And then before you know it, you are counting down the minutes to 24 weeks when there is a higher vitality rate. If only the nursery were finished, I could relax. If only this baby would come out already so I don't have to worry and worry about how labor will go. And then before you know it, the day is here and you feel like nothing could ever be as good as this moment. Until you can't wait until you can sleep longer than hour long intervals. If only, breast feeding would get better, then I'll be golden. If only, we could get to solids, then I won't have to nurse as much. CUE breaks...............screeeeeeeeeeeching hault. Let me just tell you about THAT stage. There is no scientific explanation for the amount of poop generated by applesauce people. NONE. In fact, I am 100% sure my son pooped out 3 times his body weight this morning. It was 9 hours ago and I am still walking around with a purplexed look on my face. When perusing the babyfood aisle earlier, I did every mom in town a favor and pushed all the prune containers to the back and out of sight. Because well have the folks at GER.BER lost their FREAKING MINDS?!?! To think there was a stage at which I was worried he was constipated. Seriously?! I found myself thinking, I cannot wait until he is out of diapers. And then it hit me, I can't keep living this way. Here I am doing what I do. Only this time I'm wishing my son's life away. NO NO NO. I need to embrace these things, unimaginable diapers and all because it means I still get to hold him, and give him smooches and snuggle and cuddle and so much more that in a few short years he won't even DREAM of letting me do. I wanted to freeze time today just hold him and memorize the curve of his face and the slight upturn of his nose and the way he laughs when I make a poot noise. I need to remember to NOT imagine how better life could be but stop and thank god for every horrible smell and sleepless night caused by this child because frankly life could not get any better than these moments and I am so grateful that I have them. EVEN the moment this morning when he peed in my eye. TRUE STORY!!

Wordless Wednesday




Howdy Parhners'....

 

Halloween

one of my October 2011 post vs. one of my October 2012 posts vs. today's post. Can we say ROLLER.COASTER.RIDE?! Hoo Wee. I went right back to the very moment in 2011 when I mentioned the pumpkin patch. Last Sunday we decided to be THOSE PEOPLE who take a baby to the pumpkin patch. i had it all clear in my head of how it was all suppose to go. This day I had waited for soooo long. I even teared up as we stepped out of the car, lump in my throat, belly all knoted up, thank you GOD for this moment that i dreamed about......cue the angels singing......

This is what happened next.....

this would be cute if only he could sit up and strangers didn't keep walking behind us

again, if he could sit up. oh and if his vest actually fit

who needs pumpkins with a noggin like this

i don't care about this pumpkin but the grass FUUUUN

oh wait, i DO like this pumpkin

i like it so much i refuse to look at mom taking  my picture

im done with pumpkins AND kisses



So yeah, it was hot, and the sun was blindling, there were hardly any pumpkins in the patch, and my photog skills left a little to be desired. **sigh** But I was there dammit. With my kid, in a pumpkin patch, at Halloween with pictures to prove it. TAKE THAT INFERTILITY.

And there was this....... 

isn't this the scariest dragon (with a mustache) you have ever seen?

Don't Blink...

Cause just like that........

I mean I've been there thru it all but I still cannot wrap my head around the fact that the tiny little thing I spent most of my adult life dreaming about and hoping for has been in existance for 6 whole months and is anything but tiny anymore. He's pushing 20 pounds people. 20. And that's without solids. I'm thinking I eventually might need a second job to feed this thing.  He'd probably weigh more if it wasn't for a nasty stomach bug that has hit us both hard. Twice. He is on day 10 and has lost half a pound. Now as far as mama bear, folks keep telling me how 'slim and trim' I look all of a sudden. It's the diarrhea diet my friends. I guess the silver lining is I am now within 7 lbs of pre pregnancy weight and didn't have to lift a thing - except the toilet seat, over and over and over.....well you get the picture.

Ahem, moving on.....Last weekend we attended an annual baby reunion at the clinic where we conceived.  Part of me was really excited about it but the other part of me had this gnawing feeling about it. And my gut was right. As usual. I had a knot in the throat for practically the entire party and we pretty much just sat at a table and ate and talked amongst ourselves because for one, what the hell do you say to perfect strangers at a fertility clinic, "hey, how much was your procedure?"  I figured it would be a crowded party but there were hundreds of people there. I spent a lot of time trying to calculate how much money those doctors had made this year. I know it was suppose to be a celebration, but for me it just brought up all these painful memories and as soon as I saw the building, the tears began to flow.  Then I truly felt like crap when I overhead our table mates tell someone it took them three years. 

At the end, they wanted a group picture of all the parents and babies and like they always say, there is always one in every crowd, one lady had to go and ruin it for everyone. Yep, you gotta know that out of hundreds of new parents, someone is going to be there with their boob out. And there was. No cover no nothing. Which I am all for BF'ing in public but I think there is a time and a place and courtesy is important and frankly no one wants to see your boob, esp. the hundreds of 2-5 year old siblings running around. To make matters worse, she posed for the picture like that, front and center. I'll be interested to see if the crop that out and if so how.

The highlight of the day was another table mate who jumped up to greet the doctor behind their IVF success with "i'm ready to have another one." He looked at her with wide surprised eyes. As did the rest of the room. I asked, when are most people ready to go again. His answer - "most people aren't really ready - they just feel like they are getting older and time is running out." Gee - thats so romantic. And Sad. It just made me sad. **sigh** 

I feel very grateful that IVF exists. If not for it, my son would not exist. And I guess I should feel lucky that we were able to do it, and were successful. But I also feel angry and mad and bitter because we, nor anyone, should HAVE to do it. Its just not fair. It will never NOT hurt I guess.

However, without it, I guess I wouldn't have these to laugh at either.......

mom, i'm getting irritated with this photo session

NOW i'm just pissed

Seriously mom, STOP already

look  lady, up yours (notice the bird)

    

And the 'parent of the year' award goes to.......

...THIS GIRL right here. Why? Because I sent my child to school aka daycare yesterday in shorts and short sleeves. Then noticed in the car it was 52 degrees. WHOMP WHOMP WHOMP. Good thing he's body radiates heat like a steam sauna.

- I also sent him with cereal for the first time. I KNOW. I can't believe it either. I must try to figure out how to stop blinking so I don't miss another second. I can't wait to hear how it went. Hopefully not like last night.

Sorry for the crappy cell phone pic

Eating solids must be hard work. All i know is he is now averaging about 8 hours of sleep a night. CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?!?!?!?  I mean I can't even believe we made it. In the beginning, when everyone tried to tell me it would get better, i just rolled my eyes and thought 'yeah f--k you.' BUT they were right. 

- We are currently trying to get our townhouse on the market AND house hunting. I'm not sure which is worse on a marriage, having a newborn or this. Who knew it would be soooooooooooo hard and we would disagree on so many things?!?! I knew my husband was analytical, I mean he IS an engineer but holy hell I had no idea the degree to which it extends. Can we say OVERLY ANAL. Good lord man. REEL.IT.IN. At this rate, he would find fault with Cinderalla's Castle. GAH.

- An unmarried friend approached me for advice earlier in the week - she was LATE. I had so many emotions that I cannot even believe how calmly I reacted. I smiled thru it all and tried to give sound advice but on the inside all I could think was 'batter batter swing'. Mean I know but dammit people I am not exactly the best person to ask for advice on this subject. The End. 

- I stopped therapy towards the end of my pregnancy, against my therapist's advice of course. I was glad when it was over because it was becoming a chore. She understood the time constraints but gave me this 'you'll be back' knowing glance. Dammit she was right. I'm starting to think I need it now more than ever before. My infertile self thought having a baby would make everything better. Now I know it just satisfies ONE need/want/void.  The problems stay the same. Or grow.   

- The world scared me a lot before Blake. Major catastrophes just don't even register in my brain because I can't even begin to imagine how people go on after bad things happen. I use to be a news junkie but now I don't even bother with the stuff. ALL.SO.MORBID. Now I am afraid to leave the house. Because oh dear God what if something happened to him. Or me. Or us? How would I/he go on without the other? I can't breathe just thinking about it.  And everything around us seems like a danger right now. I slipped a little getting out of the shower this morning. And omagah what if I really fell, hit my head, knocked myself out, died, leaving Blake without food, diapers, alone for God knows how long without anyone knowing. OMAGAH OMAGAH.  See. Therapy is a MUST.

- I told my husband the other day that if we have another child, i will not do a nursery - just a crib in our room. Done. We spent $500 on a crib that i am convinced Blake will NEVER sleep in. The room is basically were we store his clothes and change his diapers. I don't even nurse in there anymore.  But then I wonder if the nesting instinct kicks in as hard the second time around?!?! Will I go batshit crazy again trying to get all the DETAILS finalized before the birth KNOWING its just a huge waste of time and space?!?!

Happy Friday folks.
   

Parenthood

THIS.SHIT.IS.HARD. Holy crap has this week tried my patience like no other. First little man is teething ( i think because what else could be causing him to scream out in pain all the f'ing time and constantly gag himself because his entire giant fist is inside his tiny little mouth at all times - NOM NOM NOM.) Then, he had Roseola. What the what is that you ask (cause i did)? A COMMON virus that causes a high (make mommy and daddy have a heart attack) fever and then a horrible looking rash all over. Nasty. Oh and then DIARRHEA like you have never seen in your life. And then just when you think this is all behind you, he chose not to sleep all night long. **sigh**  Can I buy Calgon in a 5 gallon bucket?

I know these are all just normal trials and tribulations. In fact, when folks tried to warn me, i think i scoffed and thought to myself, meh... if these idiots can do it, so can I. Well folks, Im starting to question whether i CAN. For real. Maybe i was infertile for a reason. Was God trying to tell me something and I chose not to listen? I mean he doesn't give you what you can't handle right? 

Don't get me wrong. I am not trying to be unappreciative in any sense of the word. I'm grateful beyond words to have my son and can't remember what life was like before him and can't even begin to imagine it without him but dammit I am starting to really feel like a giant failure. I mean Im just REALLY BAD at this. I guess I feel this huge need to nail it like no body's business since well I was given this gift so i better not screw it up. I never thought it would be this hard.

Now add trying to put a house on the market, trying to find a new house in a real estate market that is low on inventory and what inventory there is sells before you can blink, realizing that house you want is not a house you can afford and is too far away from your job but its not near any jobs whatsoever and then realizing money is starting to be an issue in your marriage which leads to constant arguements well because neither of you have slept thru the night in months and you basically have a giant recipe for disaster and a mommy who is about to reach her breaking point. Yes folks there is a good chance Im about to snap clean in half.

Good thing I have this cuteness to bring me back from the ledge.....

Can you spot his self inflicted black eye?????

Thoughtless Thursday

What's that you say? WORST blogger eva? Yeah I know. :hangs head in shame: I'm just gonna go ahead and be honest - there are not enough hours in the freaking day to do all the things I need to do. Maybe one day I'll catch up. Last night I got 7 consecutive hours of sleep for the first time in over a year. So ANYTHING is possible. While I have tons I need to write about but not much to say today, I give you something WAY more important than my thoughts.....

I'm trying to figure how my baby grew up so fast?!?!?!?!?! 

Words for Wednesday

I feel this insatiable need to apologize for all the complaining I’ve been doing.  Don’t get me wrong, motherhood is HARD. Harder than I ever thought it would be. So hard, in fact, I regret scoffing at all the advice folks tried to give me while pregnant. They were right about the sleep deprivation!!!!! It will knock you off your feet. But……..

Just to clarify….there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t feel like I’m bursting at the seams with happiness. One little iota of feeling sorry for myself and all I have to do is look at this……

Does this new sunhat make me look fat?

…and all is right with the world. DO NOT think for a minute that I don’t fully appreciate the opportunity that I’ve been given to become a mother.  I should probably be on my knees right now thanking God for it all. And I do, often.  But please don’t think I have forgotten what IF feels like or that I’ve forgotten all of you out there who continue to fight it. My heart breaks for you. I think of you every day and hope and pray and believe that your miracle is just around the corner and you keep finding the strength to go forward. 

I truly hope my posts don't make you roll your eyes. I try soooo hard not to be judgy, condescending, or preachy. I know how bad I hated that when I couldn't get pregnant. In fact, my very best friend is going thru the exact same thing right now and I have to constantly bite my tongue so as not to be "that girl" who gives annoying advice because I think I know something. I just feel so helpless when I don't know how to heal the hurt around me. And sometimes, I honestly just don't know what else to say. 

If it makes you feel any better, I'm not walking around like "look at me world, I did it! I had a baby." Its more like "holy shit balls, I got what i wanted and am now just waiting for the universe to take it all away so please don't ride my ass on the road, get too close to my baby with your germs, and for God's sake please stop letting his head bob around like that - are you TRYING to break his neck???????" **sigh** But I'm working on THAT......baby steps. ha!

A week of firsts.......

Its my first week back at work after 12 13 weeks of maternity leave. Don’t ask me how I managed to sneak that last week under the radar – I’m sneaky like that. haha  Anyway….

Last week was our first taste of the world that is DAYCARE. And yes, it is a whole new world in itself. It was also our first trip to the Children’s ER. My son’s first IV, first x-ray, and first ultrasound, (and arguably my first heart attack), our first family beach trip which coincided with Blake’s first Fourth of July and our first family stomach virus – its main symptom being projectile vomiting. I know what you’re thinking here – FUN TIMES right?  Someone asked me this morning how I was still functioning? I’m sorry – I didn’t know that I was. In fact, I’m pretty sure my brain is bleeding at this very moment.

In all the madness, here is what I’ve learned:

Breastfeeding is the hardest goddman thing that exists. Anyone that tells you different is lying. in fact the next person who says “it shouldn’t hurt” is getting a karate chop to their solar plexus. The end.

If you have plans for the following day and have to get up early for any reason, your child will NOT sleep one single bit. Not even a minute. The ENTIRE NIGHT.

Even if you have the best, most loving, helpful supportive husband on earth, you will want to pummel him into next week every time he gets within a mile radius.  You will have to bite your tongue clean off every time he opens his mouth.  He will walk around like a king because he changed one diaper in a week.  He will constantly point things out like “the baby spit up” or “he lost a sock” but will make no gesture to wipe the spit up or pick up and reapply the damn sock. It won’t even cross his tiny little mind. But thank god he told you because otherwise you would never be able to figure those things out for yourself. Ppfftttttt

Every woman in your family will tell you that your baby is starving to death even if you have feed him round the clock for 3 days and he is clearly vomiting when fed in excess. Apparently that is the ONLY reason babies cry.  Oh and that “breast feeding nonsense” needs to cease immediately. (I’m plotting to nurse until he is 5 just to prove a point and well yes be spiteful!!!!!!!!)

If you let your baby nap, everyone in the f’n world will say “he won’t sleep a wink tonight” even though decades of medical research says that a baby that naps well, sleeps better at night. Doctors, what the hell do they know, right?

SLEEP WHEN HE SLEEPS. If I hear this again I will lay in traffic. I swear.  As fantastic as this is in theory, I also have to eat, shit, shower, brush my teeth, do laundry, empty diaper pails (since I am clearly the only one capable of this task), grocery shop, make dinner, clean, pay bills, pump, wash bottles (another task no one else seems capable of), and the other 356473893 things a woman has to do during the day. Forget putting on makeup. There’s no point when you don’t get to shower until 5 pm and there is no amount of concealer that could cover up the ravines that are your eye sockets.  

Cute baby clothes are worthless. By day two all that matters is that they are not still in the same outfit they came home from the hospital in and there are no visible poop stains to judging eyes. Oh and CLOROX 2 is your friend. Dreft is a big bottle of worthlessness.

The antics of boys starts immediately. This is what happens when he hears something that even remotely resembles a fart noise.

***SIGH*** Me thinks I’ve got my work cut out for me.

Happy Friday……….

Fun Stuff Friday

I start back to work July 8th which means I'll probably get back to blogging more often.  :pause for applause:  ha!  I'm part sad and part looking forward to interaction with the outside world. Ive tried not to venture out too much since im currently sans paycheck and the only thing to do while everyone else is working is SHOP!!! gasp

So until I find time to jump back on the bandwagon, here is a little something for your viewing pleasure...

While its Not my fav shot. The bowtie is bigger than his head. And he was getting ready to be done with being photographed (read as starting screaming after this pose!!) But for some reason this shot makes me laugh and laugh and laugh. Def. fodder for future blackmail!!!!! : )

 

 

This shot, on the other hand, just makes me melt into a big 'ole puddle. Swoon!!!!

 

 

Happy Friday ya'll!

I know I know....

i am a horrific blogger. BUT in my defense, this mommy thing is a lot more time consuming than I thought ever thought it would be. And if i'm being honest, i did most of my posting at work. There. I said it. ha! (my job is b.o.r.i.n.g)

But for those of you wondering.......

 

Believe it or not....

Infertility makes it seem like time creeps by. Pregnancy does the same. Childhood does NOT!

My son...

Drum Roll Please......

Its a boy!

Blake Weston was born Saturday, April 6th at 10:32 am weighing in at 6 lbs 3 oz and 19 1/2 inches long.  Birth story and pics to follow if/when i regain my sanity, ability to think somewhat clearly and form whole sentences. : )

right now i can only tell you i am so blessed and so in love that it hurts!!

34

I promise I did not fall off the face of the earth. I am still here, still preggo, still holding my breath and constantly anticipating the worst. HA NO I KID. Well Sort of.  About the anticipating the worst thing at least. The holding my breath thing, well I am guessing that just goes with the IF territory. 

I've had lots to write about but I’m always a little afraid of jinxing it. Like if I say too much, or let on that I am the least bit excited, the proverbial rug will be pulled out from under me. Every day I still wake up in shock that I am actually pregnant. Whats even more shocking is that I only have 6 weeks to go. WHAT THE WHAT???

In the time I’ve been ‘silent’, I’ve had three baby showers with another in the works, almost completed the nursery ( I say almost because well it’s done, but you just can’t see any of it for all the bazillion gifts we’ve received and have yet to ‘organize'),taken a breast feeding class and an all day birthing class.  Im only starting to get a WEE big antsy – aka scared to death this little bean will decide to make some grand early entrance into the world and GASP! God forbid everything little thing not be in its rightful place. HA  I guess this is that nesting instinct everyone talks about. Funny that same instinct does NOT ring true with the hubs. He is more than content to still work late, hit the gym, watch 200 episodes of Duck Dynasty instead of put together bouncy seats, pack and plays and decorate nursery walls. Oh, and I must mention that he has had to ask me four times this month where we registered even though he was there and fully participated every step of the way (read as: questioned every tiny thing we scanned and got on my nerves and made the process take twice as long as it needed to – ugh).  Its hard to be mad at him though because he has done a wonderful job pitching in around the house, helping with dinner and the dishes, etc.  Except yesterday when I mentioned my disdain with my already 30 lb weight gain and the next sentence out of his mouth was, “you want me to bring home a pizza for dinner?”  **SIGH** Men - can’t live without ‘em, can’t punch ‘em in the throat! 

At my 34 week appt. yesterday, they said the baby is head down so we are at least headed in the right direction (no pun intended : ) ). My platelet counts have been low so there is some worry that I may not be able to have an epidural. I’m trying to figure out which medical professional I can bribe to make that happen no matter what!!!!!  Because clearly, after all I’ve been thru, don’t I deserve a pain-free easy birth? I mean really? Who thinks that cruel joke would be funny?!?! During our birthing class, we learned there are other drugs they can give you as an alternative. None as wonderful as an epidural mind you but still options for those of us who are not looking to be a hero in any sense of the word. BUT guess whose allergic to about 90% of the list. THIS GIRL, that’s who.  Really?  REALLY? 

To make up for being away for so long, I’ll leave you with these two tidbits:

Nursery accent wall

and Big Mama..... : )

Third

I thought I'd celebrate making it to my third trimester with a little sneak peek at what's happening in the nursery. (Yes i finally decided I better get crackin' or else little bean would end up sleeping in a drawer)

Without further ado.....  we have this

and a little of this

and a dash of this

with a side of this

and a sprinkle of this on top

Not to be outdone of course by these

Now that I've got a plan and started the execution, I'm ready for it to be done done done. Just waiting on the curtains to arrive and my lazy butt to get in gear and make the crib skirt (why? because I'm never happy unless my plate is full full full).  Can't wait to show off the finished project. And to have little bean snoozing in that gorgeous crib. 89 days people. 89 DAYS!! WHAAAAT.

To make matters even sweeter, a friend who had an awful miscarriage last year just told us yesterday they are 14 weeks. I could not have been further over the moon. Another friend is having an IUI today. Praying so hard for her - no one deserves it more!!!!!!  I never ever ever thought i would get to a point where these things made me happy instead of leaving me feeling like I wanted to throw up.  It's almost hard to believe. But here we are.

I kind of like it here.



What Counts

98  - the number of days left til my due date. HOLY SHIT FIRE.

50 – the number of people invited to just ONE of my baby showers. **sigh** To say people are excited about this baby would be an understatement. The number of thank you notes I am facing ranks right up there with my wedding.

18 – the number of days until my SIL is due. I beat she’s freaking out a little bit right now. hehe

6 – the number of hours I spent in L & D.  You read that right. On New Year’s Day, my belly started hurting at dinner. I actually found it difficult to walk to the buffet. It wasn’t until the pain became excruciating Thursday that I decided I better get it checked out. Glad I did. After a ‘full’exam (uuugh) and an ultrasound that came up empty, they sent me to L & D to be monitored for possible premature labor. WHAT THE WHAT?  Turns out I was having contractions due to dehydration. SCARY AS HELL.

5- the number of hours of sleep I am averaging per night. IF I’m lucky.  Yeah – how the frick are you supposed to get anywhere remotely near comfortable? Please tell me this.

 3 – the number of hours before I attempt prenatal yoga. They could probably sell tickets because I’m sure it’s going to be quite entertaining.

1- the number of weeks left in my 2nd trimester. How did that happen??????

0 – the number of times I smiled after receiving our first day care quote yesterday.  Good God people. You only have to keep it from 8am to 5pm not raise it until its 18. SHEESH……