A week of firsts.......

Its my first week back at work after 12 13 weeks of maternity leave. Don’t ask me how I managed to sneak that last week under the radar – I’m sneaky like that. haha  Anyway….

Last week was our first taste of the world that is DAYCARE. And yes, it is a whole new world in itself. It was also our first trip to the Children’s ER. My son’s first IV, first x-ray, and first ultrasound, (and arguably my first heart attack), our first family beach trip which coincided with Blake’s first Fourth of July and our first family stomach virus – its main symptom being projectile vomiting. I know what you’re thinking here – FUN TIMES right?  Someone asked me this morning how I was still functioning? I’m sorry – I didn’t know that I was. In fact, I’m pretty sure my brain is bleeding at this very moment.

In all the madness, here is what I’ve learned:

Breastfeeding is the hardest goddman thing that exists. Anyone that tells you different is lying. in fact the next person who says “it shouldn’t hurt” is getting a karate chop to their solar plexus. The end.

If you have plans for the following day and have to get up early for any reason, your child will NOT sleep one single bit. Not even a minute. The ENTIRE NIGHT.

Even if you have the best, most loving, helpful supportive husband on earth, you will want to pummel him into next week every time he gets within a mile radius.  You will have to bite your tongue clean off every time he opens his mouth.  He will walk around like a king because he changed one diaper in a week.  He will constantly point things out like “the baby spit up” or “he lost a sock” but will make no gesture to wipe the spit up or pick up and reapply the damn sock. It won’t even cross his tiny little mind. But thank god he told you because otherwise you would never be able to figure those things out for yourself. Ppfftttttt

Every woman in your family will tell you that your baby is starving to death even if you have feed him round the clock for 3 days and he is clearly vomiting when fed in excess. Apparently that is the ONLY reason babies cry.  Oh and that “breast feeding nonsense” needs to cease immediately. (I’m plotting to nurse until he is 5 just to prove a point and well yes be spiteful!!!!!!!!)

If you let your baby nap, everyone in the f’n world will say “he won’t sleep a wink tonight” even though decades of medical research says that a baby that naps well, sleeps better at night. Doctors, what the hell do they know, right?

SLEEP WHEN HE SLEEPS. If I hear this again I will lay in traffic. I swear.  As fantastic as this is in theory, I also have to eat, shit, shower, brush my teeth, do laundry, empty diaper pails (since I am clearly the only one capable of this task), grocery shop, make dinner, clean, pay bills, pump, wash bottles (another task no one else seems capable of), and the other 356473893 things a woman has to do during the day. Forget putting on makeup. There’s no point when you don’t get to shower until 5 pm and there is no amount of concealer that could cover up the ravines that are your eye sockets.  

Cute baby clothes are worthless. By day two all that matters is that they are not still in the same outfit they came home from the hospital in and there are no visible poop stains to judging eyes. Oh and CLOROX 2 is your friend. Dreft is a big bottle of worthlessness.

The antics of boys starts immediately. This is what happens when he hears something that even remotely resembles a fart noise.

***SIGH*** Me thinks I’ve got my work cut out for me.

Happy Friday……….