Some Things Never Change

I often wonder if/how/when I will ever let go of being infertile.  I know we’ve climbed a major mountain, but the descent is proving to be just as challenging. I hate to sound ungrateful because there is no amount of joy that compares with the promise of becoming a mom after so much time, heartache and disappointment, but in all honesty, I feel like the same girl who had peed on her thousandth stick and wondered will this every happen or am I destined to live my life without a child of my own. She is still there, at the front of my mind, at every twinge or story about how ‘so and so lost her child at the stage you are at now’ (which by the way is SO helpful).   

All I do lately is…….

Compare my SIL’s 27 week bump to my measly 16 week bump.

Feel jealous over Face.book pregnancy announcements knowing they probably happened naturally

Be deathly afraid to buy, plan, or talk about anything related to this baby. I can’t bear the thought of having to return an outfit, take down a crib or “remember when I was so happy……” Yeah, no thanks.

Not want to find out the gender partly because one day I might have to miss a son or daughter I never got to hold.  (The other part is just to spite people who seem devastated that they won’t know my baby’s gender and openly suggest I am putting a huge damper on their plans in the meantime. Grrrrrrr)

Feel sick to my stomach when we announce our news to a couple who tells us they tried and failed IVF three times.

Take a week to write a post because I am so deathly afraid I will have to write one later documenting a loss.

Keep rubbing my stomach and telling the little one to hang in there for me because I need him/her so badly to survive this.

Thank God almost every day for this opportunity even if he plans to take it all away. 

I can't imagine holding my child in my arms one day. I can't imagine how it will look, feel, sound....  I also can't imagine NOT knowing either. And that is what gets me through all these days.

Oh Glorious Day

There are no better words to hear than "your test results are negative for Down's, Trisomy 13 and Trisomy 18." Today will go down as one of the very best days of my life. Thank you all for thinking of me through what can only be described as some dark, dark days.

God is so good.

You Get What You Wish For?

I know my announcement might sting a little to some of you. I mean it used to feel like the end of the world to me. Even perfect strangers announcing cut me to the core. And the worst part was when they said, “all you have to do is believe…if it can happen to me, it can happen to you….it’s a miracle from God….blah blah blah” – yeah frankly I wanted to kick them in the crotch.  SO I hope and pray that I don’t come across that way in any way shape or form. And for those of you in any pain, I’m truly, truly sorry for that.

If it makes you feel any better, this has been a pretty rough 1^st trimester. I hate to complain ’cause well I only have myself to blame. Ha!  I mean I PAID GOOD MONEY to feel like this. And I admit I was one of THOSE people who use to think, morning sickness, cankles, feeling like death…BRING IT.  BUT 3 months of constant pain/discomfort/generally feeling like poop – WELL, it still sucks no matter how much you welcome it.  Don’t get me wrong, I would feel this way for the whole 9 months if it meant I get to be a mom but again, it’s not fun by any sense of the word. And trying to hide it from the world only makes it that much harder. Plus I’ve had the IVF complications to contend with. So yeah – for the most part, I feel like crap and I’m scared to death. Not much morning sickness though. AMEN HALLELUJAH PRAISE THE LORD.

Someone told me yesterday they can't stand to hear pregnant women complain. Yeah, bullshit. There isn’t a human being on earth that doesn’t complain when it hurts to walk. No one wishes for pain. And it doesn’t hurt any less when it’s something you ASKED FOR or WANTED.  Pain is pain is pain. So basically what I’m finding out quickly is that as lonely as IF is, unfortunately, pregnancy just might prove to be lonelier. **sigh**

(And for the record, I have NEVER once complained about being pregnant.)

What they don't tell you......

IVF that results in a pregnancy can also result in giant ovaries for months which causes fluid to pool in your belly which cause these most excruciating pain you have ever felt up to this point which then causes the RE to have to insert a GIANT needle into your vaginal wall to drain said fluid, but only after he tells you repeatedly, “it doesn’t hurt at all” but it actually IS the worst pain you have ever felt, up to this point.

You will soon be too fat for your clothes but not fat enough for maternity clothes. There just are not enough flowy shirts on earth to cover up the fact that my pants are held together with a rubber band on a daily basis.

You aren’t even out of your first trimester and your mom already wants to know what color the nursery will be, what you plan to name it, what it will call her AND has no qualms about yelling across a crowded store to ask whether you plan to breast feed. (CRINGE) You can TRY to tell her to take a deep breath, take a step back and not get ahead of herself to which she will reply with a text of 25 possible baby names. **sigh**

Said mother will also refuse to understand why you have no intention of decorating the nursery in pastel pink, baby blue, green or yellow. OH THE HORROR.

Your husband might still refuse to acknowledge and/or talk about all things baby. Why? Because he is scared out of his mind, that’s why.   It’s heartbreaking but at the same time makes me want to break his face.

The reaction you get from most people when you reveal you are 'expecting' is often not what you expected. I got accused of lying, being mean to wait so long before telling and tears from people who never cry and no tears from people who cry all the time. WTF.  Confusing and exhausting. 

People will be HORRIFIED if you reveal you do not plan to find out the gender. How dare you make it impossible for them to buy pink or blue.  I mean how selfish can you be!! (tee hee)

The constipation can be MIND NUMBING.  People, did I mention MIND NUMBING? 

  

The 2ww frenzy is NOTHING compared to the time between ultrasounds to ensure there is still a heartbeat and a baby growing in there. OMG if Wednesday doesn’t get here soon, I’m going to LOSE my mind.

The worry never ends. I spend every single second in constant fear that I will lose this child. I have a feeling birth does not end that fear.

                Making a decision to have a child--it's momentous. It is to decide forever to have  your heart go walking around outside your body. - Elizabeth Stone

And last but not least…..Men have NO IDEA how much cribs cost so the jaw dropping price tag you find on the crib you would die to have…yeah you can totally get it. : )

I Hear Ya God

Sometimes, it’s so strange how life works. Just when you feel you are most alone…just when you can’t imagine that God is anywhere near you because everything just hurts so damn much…just when you can’t feel anymore pity for yourself because you’ve reached the ‘my life is worthless' pinnacle…this is when God says, “haha – told you so.” (And yes I totally picture him sticking his tongue out with his thumbs in his hears saying nana nana boo boo!! Ha!)

Being an HR rep, I get many calls regarding medications, doctor’s visits, etc. You name it, I get asked it. Sometimes these calls/conversations go way over the TMI line. WAAAAAY over.  This morning I got a phone call from a sales rep who immediately began asking about insurance coverage of certain medications. Shockingly said medications were follistim, menopur…after  that I couldn’t tell you a word he said because the ringing in my ears was so loud I thought I was surely going deaf.   I vaguely remember him mentioning the RE practice and low and behold, it was the same place we just completed our first IVF cycle. I don’t think I have ever had such a moment of clarity in my entire life. God might as well have hit me over the head with the receiver. 

I’m sure I overstepped 26,356 HR boundaries but what the hell, I went for it. I shut my door and proceeded to make this guy’s ear bleed for the next 30 minutes. By the time we hung up, I swear I could tell he was smiling through the phone. In fact, next time I see him, I’m giving him a big bear hug, rules or no rules.  This man started the call scared to death then sounded like he couldn’t wait to give his wife their first shot.

If I get nothing else out of this experience, I feel like it was my purpose to answer that call and tell this particular person that he and his wife were in great hands and they would survive IVF and come out on the other side stronger than they ever thought possible. I feel like God purposely gave me the knowledge of the IVF experience to help this guy out, if only to let him breathe a few sighs of relief, knowing he wasn’t alone in this process and that people cared and were rooting for him and his wife. On the worst days, now that I look back, that’s really all it would have taken for me to smile.

Before we ended the call, he asked me the one question I was afraid of but knew was inevitable ……….

Did. It. Work?

Like clockwork, when it rains it pours, and all those others fancy ways to say it........

So the inevitable happened. Just as I knew it would. Why? Because folks THAT is the story of my life.

During my in-laws anniversary dinner this weekend, the brother-in-law and his wife presented them with...wait for it.........


A SONOGRAM PHOTO. 


Yep, as if the knife in my side needed one more twist. They, of course, gave me a heads up because they 'weren't sure how i felt about crying in a restaurant - their words, NOT mine.  If we are being honest here, the tears I probably could have  held in for oh half an hour or so until dinner was done and we were in the safety of our own car, BUT the two whole hours and trying to get food past the ginormous lump in my throat - really not all that pleasant of a meal for me as you might have guessed.

What kills me is if you were trying to spare my feelings AT ALL, how about NOT including us in your very public announcment. Or maybe tell me before I have on a full face of makeup and we are walking out the door to go to dinner. I mean I doubt anyone will notice my red eyes, tear streaked face or the fact that I can't get a piece of lettuce down without choking. But thanks for thinking of me.

Whats even better, it was day 5 of lupron and day 1 of stims and I was going on about 2 hours of sleep (had to get up at 4am for a yard sale). As you can imagine, I cried most of the all night, esp. after DH said I was ruining his 'becoming an uncle' news for him. Wow - how dare me.

So for now, I'll just be over here, in the corner, by myself, with all my vials and needles and swollen ovaries, not bothering anybody EVER AGAIN.

Things I Question

Barnes & Noble does not carry a single book on IVF. Not one!!! I believe my chin is still on the floor at the customer service desk. They have a trillion on IBS though, in case you are wondering. And I’ve learned its best to enuuuuunciate when approaching the subject. **sigh**

Starting the IVF meds one day late is not a deal breaker. Try telling that to my overly obsessed, frenzied self who failed to check the box the pharmacy sent until the day of. Yeah, they left step one out completely.  And apparently this is the most common ‘emergency’ call my RE office receives after normal business hours.  Really? Who woulda thunk it?!

A pharmacist is ALWAYS trying to drum up business, even if she is sweet, kind and gives you her personal cell # to call 24/7 in the event that you need ANYTHING. But please do not fail to  mention this kindness and generosity and the fact the she was the only person on the East Coast able to fill above mentioned prescription at 8pm on a moment’s notice to the doctor who suggested her. I mean I suppose it’s the least I could do, right. pffttt (eye roll)

How does the universe know when you have spent your last dime on IVF and then plays mean tricks on you?  And why does it have to make the expensive things break?  And how does it know that a nice big kick while you are down would be to break the A/C when its over 100 degrees for 10 straight. Just HOW?

How come when you finally start to get pumped and ready for IVF and things start looking up and you feel positive, oh I don’t know, for the first time EVER, someone announces a pregnancy. And it hurts like a muther. Even if you have never met this person in real life. **sigh***

How is it that every single individual, medically speaking, that I have had to deal with regarding our current IVF cycle has earned a gold star for their impeccable sense of empathy, knowledge, and willingness to cater to my every need and beckon call EXCEPT the acupuncturist staff.  I mean am I wrong or is stress relief their freakin’ SPECAILTY or did I miss read the cards they have specifically placed on the desk of the RE office advertising their services to coincide with IVF cycles. HELLO? Get a personality and be nice, will ya? I promise, it won’t hurt! And I bet it will do WONDERS for my stress relief.  Hmpf…

How on earth is DH going to stick that giant Progesterone needle in my backside for weeks? I mean just looking at the needle already makes me want to throw up and we aren’t even close to being there yet. As if I don’t have to suffer enough already.  And don’t even try to butter me up with the tiny 30G insulin needle I use for the Lupron. I’m still not happy. The End.

Apparently my therapist was right when she told me I might have to spend the rest of my life stating the obvious to my DH people.  I without thinking assumed that when you know i'm currently taking mind numbing, body changing IVF medications and I tell you I feel like crap, you won't assume or ask me if I'm getting a cold. THERE.ARE.NO.WORDS. 

It's Official

I’m coo coo. I bought a decoration for a nursery. (gawd – insert forehead slap here). In  my defense, it was technically an outdoor/garden/patio decoration but all I could think about was how stinkin’ cute it would be on a shelf in a nursery. And I knew if I didn’t buy it, I would kick myself later when I couldn’t find another one. See, one day I will thank me!! Or either I just jinxed the shit out of myself. Either way, what’s done is done.

It could have been worse, right? I could have been perusing the baby aisles at Target, PRETENDING to buy a registry gift. Or rubbing onesie’s at Belk. But, nooooooooo. I was minding my own business in a discount store that I frequent for decorative items. SWEAR.TO.GOD. What can I say?  It spoke to me.

Still I pulled the ‘ole ‘hide it in your trunk from your husband’ technique. Not because I thought he would give me a hard time for spending money we need to save (which he would) BUT because he would probably immediately summon the men in white coats. 

I smiled all the way to the car. All the way home. It just made me feel better dammit. Like this is not an IF but a WHEN. People keep telling me a little hope goes a long way. So there's your hope. Right there people. Right next to the garden gnomes and flower pots. And now in my trunk. 

Happy Friday!!

Not a Father's Day

As we sat in church yesterday, before the minister spoke a single word, a huge lump formed in my throat and I wondered if today bothered my husband as much as Mother’s Day bothered me. He didn’t mention it. His facial expressions (or lack thereof, I mean its church- He typically yawns and looks at his watch a lot) gave nothing away. He even accepted the money clip, passed out to all the ‘dads’ or any male of adult age, with what resembled pride. Even if his stupid wife did say immediately, BUT YOU’RE NOT A DAD. Way to go, girl. WAY.TO.GO.

I know he is male. I know has to be strong. But it had to sting at least a little. Thankfully, the sermon did not focus on being a parent but more on setting a godly example for everyone you meet. I could have seriously hugged the guy after the service. Shockingly enough, he and his wife are unable to bear children. Or adopt. Go figure.

On the way home, while discussing some things that are up in the air for us, he said, out loud for the first time, we should focus on a pregnancy first. I have felt so alone up until this point, like the burden was completely on my shoulders. But now, it felt like he was making the decision too. Like this meant as much to him as it meant to me. Like for the first time, maybe since we got married, that we were husband and wife and this was our plan to move forward. Together.

I would have given my life to be able to wish this man a Happy Father’s Day yesterday. 

What you ask?

I stole this from one of the umpteen thousand blogs I read but can't remember which one so its hard to give credit where credit is due. But to whoever posted it, it really struck a nerve with me. And the answer is, become a mom. No matter what it takes. That's what!!!!!!

Aaaaaand we’re back.

Not just from the most amazing trip ever but back TO reality (read as infertility).  Not that we ever really left it. My body didn’t get the memo that we were on vacay, so the spotting began about day 3 AND AF paid a visit on the flight home. FANTASTIC!  I wasn’t shocked. Or sad really. Well, ok sad but I didn’t throw myself off any mountain peaks as I might have done early on in this process, so we’re good.  But I was reminded that no matter how beautiful your surroundings, no matter how much fun you are having, and no matter how happy you feel – perhaps the happiest you have ever felt in your life, you cannot escape infertility. Not even for a little while.

Let’s start with the flight there. Very first person I see in the airport and every person after that. Pregnant. **sigh** Really? Is this necessary? I retaliated by having a pre-flight margarita. Did I mention our flight was at 9:40 am??? tee hee Take that pregnant lady!!!!

The good news is being possibly pregnant in Colorado would NOT have been fun. I have never done so much physical activity on a vacation in my life. Good lord how do these people relax???  Had I been pregnant or even thought it for a second, I would have been a nervous wreck the entire time since I am pretty sure NOTHING we did was safe for a woman with child. Or at least that’s what I kept telling my over active, every little thing that could go wrong, pregnancy obsessed mind.

Colorado is also not absent of baby, strollers, and preggos either. THEY.ARE.EVERY.WHERE. Again silly me for thinking I could escape it. The flight home had no less than 20 small children/babies on it. The mom next to me kept apologizing to me as her baby used her as a jungle gym the entire 4 hours. Her other two small children acted like angels. Did I mention one was her adopted daughter from Ethiopia?  OK GOD. I HEAR YOU. And lady, I would give a trillion million dollars to be in your position so PLEASE STOP APOLOGIZING.

We attended a cookout for Memorial Day. Umpteen kids there, of all shapes and sizes. Shocker.  Did it sting a little? Yes. Did I ewww and ahhhhh over  two little toe heads the first 30 minutes? Yes. Was I glad I could guzzle beer while their dad tried to feed them both food with CHILI on it, while keeping them seated, plates on laps and holding two puppies back from gobbling up their lunches. YES, YES I did and I didn’t feel guilty AT ALL. : )  Frankly, the entire party was total chaos. And I can’t say that a tiny part of me wasn’t thankful I got to go home and leave all that chaos behind.  Oh, did I mention there was a grandmother there with two little ones she is currently fighting her drugged out son for custody?! Yeah. Again. FAN FREAKING TASTIC.

And so…..

Real life started again today. Back to the grind. First item on my to do list: email the IVF nurse and tell her we are ready to move forward and don’t even blink when you hit send. Yep I'd say reality just slapped me in the face. : )

Today I am…..

37 years old.

I’m still no closer to becoming a mother. But what I realized this morning when I woke up in my beautiful bedroom in my nice home beside my husband who cooked me dinner and bought me a BEAUTIFUL amethyst necklace from  my favorite jeweler AND my favorite cupcakes from my favorite bakery is that life, albeit not what I had envisioned at this age, ain’t  half bad. In fact, I’m down right lucky. And deep down, I’ve always known it.

As a gift to myself, I ordered our genetics test kit which is required by our IVF doctor. First step taken. Deeeeep breath…

I.CAN.DO.THIS.

Brace for Impact

No matter how much I brace myself, pregnancy announcements always rock me to the core. It doesn’t matter who they are – family member, brief acquaintance, someone I have never met – it’s all the same to me. What should be happy news really makes me want to curl up in to a ball and die. Yep – that good.

There were two announcements this week that should have had zero effect on me. I mean they are two couples who I rarely see and perhaps the sweetest, most deserving people you will ever meet. BUT there is hardly ever just the pregnancy to find out about. There always seems to be a good ‘ole story behind how it happened. And shocking I know  but they never seem to involve a struggle – always some grateful to god mind blowing coincidence that restores everyone’s faith (except mine) but never a long, drawn out, expensive, heart wrenching story.

The first couple has been married for a while. So they are probably to the point of their perfect plan where they are ready to start trying. She goes off the pill for ONE month.  Boom.  Pregnant.  The other announced they were divorcing mid last year. I’m so happy they found their way back to each other. BUT she wasn’t even sure she wanted kids. Not yet anyway.  Boom.  Pregnant.

Every time I think about it, I swear I tear up. I know I know. I am a horrible, horrible person for thinking these thoughts that I think. But my heart physically hurts knowing that we have to wait for year(s), spend umpteen thousand dollars and a whole lot of heartache just to MAYBE get what should happen naturally. I feel so robbed. So cheated.  And so rotten for feeling this way.

My brother in law told us he wanted to talk to the family this weekend……….. the rest of the sentence was about  a rental property on the family land. But all I heard was the sound of my blood rushing through my ears. Everything went black. If I react that way to THAT, how in the hell will I handle it when they really make the baby announcement?! 

When I started spotting yesterday, it hurt. And I knew there was no way on this planet that we could be pregnant – we spent my entire fertile week not speaking. But part of me wants my miracle story – not one of waiting, worrying and anguish, but one with WOW factor that makes everyone say ‘oh what a blessing from God” blah blah blah. I HATE those kinds of sentiments but the selfish part of me doesn’t want to be robbed of even that.

**sigh** I’ve reached a new low.  

I Need a Sign

I just realized it’s been almost a month since I last posted. A MONTH. How in the hell does that happen. I mean I have so much to say. Or at least I DID - Back when I was all consumed by IF and I lived and breathed and ate and slept and analyzed and dreamed it 24 f’n 7.

For the last 13 months, the path has been pretty clear. From the time I knew this wasn’t going to be an easy journey, I had a plan in place. Full steam ahead until we make this happen. I even found  myself doing some minor manipulating in order to sway my not so full steam ahead DH in the direction I thought we should take (not something I’m proud of  but nevertheless, determination can be a beast sometimes!).  I read blogs.  I searched the internet. I read books. I ranted and raved on IF boards.  I spent virtually every waking hour thinking, researching and hell bent on getting pregnant.  I had very little time for anything else.

I couldn’t even look at a pregnant woman without seething. I gave up Facebook. I had to detox from my out of control slight obsession with celebrities and put down the People Magazines - I cannot count on all my fingers and toes the number of celebs expecting at this very moment  - the number is staggering. I mean what the hells in the water in Hollywood?  I know people think this makes me crazy but I can’t help it – it bothers me. These people have fame fortune and everything else, why do they get a baby too?????? It just fueled my idea that the entire universe was against me and the people around me didn’t deserve babies – only me. I questioned everyone and everything. Even God. How could HE do this to me?

Sometime, someway something shifted. I can’t give you a specific time or date or place. All I know is my vision has changed. The purpose is still the same of course, but I quickly realized that I was lost and going nowhere fast. It’s a hellacious way to live. My marriage was suffering. I mean how on earth can you plot a pregnancy when you don’t even try to do it the natural way anymore? This is what I/we had become. Strangers. Resentful. Asking ourselves if we even still want a child with this crazy loon person. DH doesn’t really touch me much these days but asks me on a regular basis if I have made a decision. This is a prime example of tables turning people in case you missed it!

And what decision you ask? Welp…that would be whether to try another IUI or move forward with IVF.  I thought I knew. If the new RE had offered to do it that day, I probably would have jumped his desk spread eagle that very minute.  But no worries.  He didn’t. And I didn’t.  What he did do was put me at ease. Make me confident. He didn’t make any promises he might not be able to keep. He didn’t make me feel stupid or silly for wanting something so badly. In fact, he almost made me feel like I was part of some elite club of people that get to do this awesome thing to make a baby.  I left there excited about the opportunity instead of dreading it. DH even said, “this guy kind of sounds like he knows what he is talking about.” I think they became buddies when he responded to my husband’s blank stare with “if you retain 30% of what I just said you are a hell of a lot better off than most men.” 

But, the question still remains. I have no idea how to proceed. I want to move forward but my feel seem perfectly planted on the ground.   I don’t know the right thing to do, the best way to go. I keep thinking the answer will fall from the sky and land in my belly. (Hey it could happen – I mean if a trip to Aruba or a relaxing cup of tea works, then anything is possible right?)  I keep waiting for a sign, a notion, a clear image of what path I am supposed to take.   It’s kind of like waiting for two pink lines. It doesn’t happen.

In the meantime, I took a jewelry class, repainted a side table in our dining room, hung pictures on the walls (we weren’t sure how long we would be living in our townhouse so most of our pictures are leaning again the wall on the floor), swapped my FB addiction for Pinterest and vowed to try 3 new recipes every week, kept seeing my therapist and started talking less about babies and more about why I am so f’d up in the head aside from IF.  On a trip home from a mountain wedding, we took the longer scenic route and it made me want to try white water rafting. WHAT.  I make sure I kiss my husband every night when he gets home from work, whether I really want to or not. I’m pitching in my grandmother’s 90^th birthday party – a step-grandmother who has never really considered or treated me like a granddaughter but hey, if you can’t beat ‘em, plan a fabulous birthday bash for ‘em, right?

I mean anything is better than the way it was before. I can’t go back there. I’m not sure I can pee on sticks, and give myself shots and spend $19,000 with no guarantee. I‘m just not sure I have the strength.  Even thinking about making a decision hurts my mind and my soul and frankly exhausts me. So for now, my answer is “I don’t know yet” and for the first time in a long time, I’m okay with that.

Everybody's Pregnant....But Me

I can’t write lately. Everything hurts too much. Because well everybody’s pregnant…..

The lady in front of me at the grocery store. The lady behind me at the grocery store. The receptionist and everyone else at my ob’s office. AND my RE’s office. I started therapy yesterday. AND guess whose pregnant? Yep, both receptionists!  **sigh** And in case you are wondering, YES I drank from the water fountain before I left the building.

Anywho….where was I? Oh yeah, every celebrity on the planet including a Kardashian (just what this world needs, another one of THOSE). And the lady to the front, back, left and right of me in church. Even God is taunting me now.  For the record, I know that isn’t true but it sure feels that way sometimes. : (

I have too much anger to blog. It wouldn’t be ME. Just the shell of me that exists right now. I have a week before my lap and then 3 months of not being able to try.   Too bad humans don’t hibernate – this would be the perfect time for that. And probably about all I will be capable of.

So I’ll leave you to ponder this quote I stole from another blog today.

“It’s hard to wait around for something you know might never happen but It’s  even harder to give up when you know it’s everything you want.”  ~Author unknown

Yep, that about sums it up.

10 Secrets

A few fellow bloggers are taking this challenge so I thought I would follow suit, except with a twist of infertility mixed in.

1.    I sort of always knew that getting pregnant would be difficult for me. Not just because of the endometriosis or the myriad of other health issues or the waiting until I’m 36 to start (not by choice people, not by choice), but because of a gut feeling I’ve always had. And who am I kidding, NOTHING I’ve ever wanted has been easy.

2.   Sometimes I wonder if my husband wishes he had not married me because there is a chance we cannot have biological children.

3.   Infertility hurts, confuses and frustrates but most of all, I am just REALLY F’N PISSED about it.

4.   I get really emotional when driving behind cars with those little stick figure family decals on them.  It hurts that those people get children and we don’t. L

5.   I absolutely dread the day one of my close friends or my sister tells me they are pregnant. As much as I want to be happy for them, just thinking about it makes me seethe because I know I will have to act happy. Frankly, I think I deserve to get pregnant first.

6.   Infertility is the loneliest existence to me. I feel like I have absolutely no one to confide it. My friends are sick of hearing it and most of the time don’t understand and unknowingly say insensitive things.   My mother and I do not speak and when we did she made the comment that each time she wanted to be pregnant, she just was. My husband never seems to lose an ounce of sleep over it. I know men react differently to these kinds of things, but he shows zero emotion whatsoever and expects the same from me. Mind numbing, I swear. So that leaves, well NO ONE.

7.   It bothers me that so many celebrities are pregnant. I mean the pregnant people have completely taken over my People magazine and other guilty celebrity pleasures. It’s like they are taunting me.

8.   I hate hate hate facebook pregnancy announcements and updates but secretly cannot wait until the day I can post my own.

9.   I feel very selfish and stupid when I read about people who have been trying for years and years to have a baby and I can’t handle 10 months with my sanity intact.  I also start to have panic attacks when I think what IF we have to about have to battle if for years and years. How will I survive that?

10.  I feel like infertility is some sort of punishment for past mistakes. I wish I didn’t, but I do.

Sick & Tired

I wish I could announce it was because I’m pregnant. But in fact, it’s because I’m not. I was so sure this time. SO SURE.  Symptoms out the wazoo. Symptoms I have never had before. And I tried so hard NOT to obsess, if that’s even possible. But it’s kinda hard to imagine that it tastes like I have been sucking on stainless steel lollipops.  I’ve had a constant headache and most of the week, been cramping in a way that I never have before – sharp knife like pains instead of a constant dull throb.

And then the ride ends. The roller coaster came to a screeching halt this morning when I started spotting.  Earlier than expected - or not expected in this case. All I could do was cry sob in the shower. All I kept saying was “it’s just not fair”.  I didn’t think I could go thru this disappointment yet again. I was so sure God would not let me.  

I couldn’t face disappointing my husband yet again so I did the next cruelest thing I could think of – left a sticky note.  I know this is awful because I did it partly because I wanted someone else to feel as bad as I do all day. But partly because I swear to god I could not take hearing “oh well, we’ll try again next month”.  Bodily harm would have ensued, no lie.  He’s golfing today and my guess is no tears will be shed on the golf course. Which makes me seeth because I have to struggle thru a work day, avoiding people, trying not to cry (too late), be cordial and smile, get some actual work done with all this sadness churning in my brain. Again, It’s not fair.

So now it’s official. 10 tries. Two medications. An HSG. One SA. EPO. Preseed. A zillon dollars worth of OPK’s. acupuncture. And what has it gotten us. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. I wish I knew what it was I had done to deserve this……….

It’s the little things...

... that make you happy when you are TTC. Well it’s one big thing really BUT until that happens, you have to revel in the little moments that make things feel like they are going well. Or at least in the right direction.  I told myself I wouldn’t pee on anymore sticks this time around. Just RELAX and see how things go. But that didn’t last long. ; -) I remembered I needed to see how this new medication affected things – clomid delayed everything and also made poas worthless. I haven’t read that letrozole does this so I wanted to experiment for myself.

Loe and behold, the ovulation predictor had a blue line this morning. An actual line. Not blurry. Not half ass. A real true line. Now one line doesn’t indicate anything is happening  yet and the test confirmed this BUT I was so thrilled that the test was actually working I literally smiled through my shower. We TTC’ers spend many a morning shower bawling our eyeballs out, so this was no small feat. Not to mention, I don’t feel crazy. The insomnia this weekend was mind numbing and the nausea and dizziness are no treat BUT I will take that any day over the crushing depression and constant pity party. I’m sure my husband will agree. Poor guy.

Things have been rough for him since last week when he suggested I take Midol when I was in so much pain I could barely walk upright.  Needless to say, he won’t make that mistake again.  ;-)   I was none too happy as you can imagine and spent the rest of the day berating him for being insensitive to my pain, yada yada yada. But I had to laugh when he later told me that the only thing he knew about Midol was what he had seen on the commercials.  My analogy of it being 'like suggesting someone with a severed limb take Advil' seemed to clear it all up for him. I had a forehead slapping moment though because why would a man know about Midol? I mean the women on the commercials, for those even paying attention, are running on beaches, dancing with their friends at nightclubs and at the worst trying to pry on a pair of too tight jeans, not folded up in the fetal position, whimpering like babies covered in sweat and waiting for their head to explode. NOW that would be a commercial I could relate to.

So....This past weekend, I made a conscious effort not to take my anger and frustration out on him. It was a little easier without clomid controlling my moods of course but I noticed right away the huge difference it made in how he responded to me and how we interacted as a couple. It was nice. I enjoyed being with him even if we were just at the gym or cleaning the bathrooms (his suggestion not mine!).

Today, I  came across a non-pregnancy blog post (yes they do exist and help remind that there is a whole other world out there that is NOT trying to have a baby) in which the writer suggested a book by a minister who " believes love best motivates a woman and respect most powerfully motivates a man. Research reveals that during marital conflict a husband most often reacts when feeling disrespected and a wife reacts when feeling unloved."  Hmmm...they might be on to something here. Lately, I can't help but notice how much better I feel when my husband and I are on the same side of things. Infertility is a b*tch but going through it alone is even worse. I don't want to do that. I want my husband by my side. I need him or else I don't think I can survive this.  I think I'll read this book. Or at least scan it. Couldn't hurt to get some pointers on how better to follow this regime.  I respect my husband more than any other human being on the planet but I'm not sure he knows that. I've never told him and my actions lately probably paint a completely different picture.

I've let wanting a baby take over my every thought, good and bad, and it’s had quite a profound effect on every aspect of my life. It consumes you in ways you never imagine.  I guess that's why it feels so good to smile, even over silly things like a definite blue line or your husband’s point of view, distorted as it may be.

Picture Day

Today is the dreaded first day of school. Why should that bother me you ask? Well it doesn’t directly. I have no kids. I didn’t have to fight buses on the way to work. I didn’t have a child to take pictures of this morning. I didn’t have a lunch to pack. I don’t have anyone to worry about throughout the day. My biggest fear is that I never will.

Facebook was a giant slap in the face again this morning. All those pictures of little ones starting their day with big bows, big backpacks, big smiles on most of their faces – I just couldn’t hold back the tears. It’s so hard to see something you want so bad and worry, face the fact that you may never have it.  I am starting to think I might have to do away with Facebook all together. It brings me nothing but anger, sadness and frustration.  And it’s not just the baby posts anymore.   I am starting to resent every post I read yet I keep going back for more. Gluten for punishment much?

It’s just like the friend I keep confiding in even though she almost always slides a “relax” in there somewhere and I end up wanting to snap her neck claw her eyes out  but have to just bite my tongue (almost in half) instead. **sigh**  So much for venting out loud.  Last night over drinks she told me the story about how a friend of a friend went through the same thing and when they decided to take a break and just do it when they felt like it and not track ovulation, temp, etc, they got pregnant. Now granted they were in their very early 30’s, had no prior health issues and probably plenty of money to pursue other avenues if needed. Well Gee..that’s the same. I can’t believe I am worried and can’t relax and just let it happen.  Yeah F*ck off.

I’m soon heading off to my acupuncture appointment. I don’t know how much good it’s doing for the infertility but it does give me an hour alone in a room to sleep and/or cry, sometimes a little of both. I’m thinking of kicking this habit as well since its basically turned into a bunch of expensive naps. I know I probably haven’t given it ample time to work but I’m just plain tired of waiting for everything to work.   Tired of waiting for my own pictures to post.

Bitter....Party of One!

So last night I had a meltdown.  In the gym. Yeah.  Fun times.  I’m sure my husband is doubly mortified on top of already having to walk into that place full of beautiful people with a lard butt for a wife. **sigh** Is it obvious yet I’m having a rough week? It probably was to the entire gym. I did manage to get in a half hour on the tread mill. Crying. Tears running down my face. I’m pretty sure I need to wait a week or so before venturing there again. 

I feel myself breaking in half and there is nothing I can do to stop it. Two days ago all I could think about was how lucky I am in life. I have soooo much to be thankful for. Now I can’t stop focusing on the not so luckiness. What is wrong with me? Why am I like this? Why can’t I be strong and face the day as a cup half full?

Well, because I know I’m not pregnant. I don’t actually have any hard evidence but in the same way they say a woman just knows when she is - even if it’s realistically too soon to tell - I just know that I’m not. I’m so angry. Why isn’t this happening? What are we doing wrong? What if something IS wrong and we are wasting precious time and money? Why can my stupid body not cooperate and give me the one thing I want most in this world? Why did I do to deserve this?  Why do I have to put my body and mind through pure torture only to be disappointed over and over again?

And the clomid. Oh boy. Did I mention this stuff is pure evil? Do I sound like a broken record yet? I’m pretty sure I’m done with this so called' medication'. First, it’s not working.  Clearly.  Second, it’s starting to affect my vision. All of the research I have done on the side effects say to stop taking it because the vision effects can be PERMANENT. REALLY? And all my doctor felt the need to mention was possible hot flashes?!  And I’m sure my husband will agree, it’s making me CrAzY!!!  Crazier than usual. And that is BAD!  Very bad. I hear myself snapping at him. At the Target cashier.  At co-workers. Seething. Fire Breathing. Yet I don’t stop. It just spews out of my mouth and I am powerless. I wish I could wear a sign that says please ignore me, I am on fertility medication!  Hmm… might not be a bad idea.

I wish more than anything I could turn it off, esp. around my husband. I wish he could see how much I am hurting and how hard it is to look at him without thinking that I have failed him as a wife in so many ways. The one thing I should be able to do, I can’t. No matter how hard I try. On the other hand, he makes me crazy by being so positive when I am so negative. I just don’t understand why he doesn’t take it as hard. How can he just go on with everyday life as if nothing is wrong? It makes me angry that him, the world, everyone else isn’t hurting the way I hurt. I’m so lonely I could crack. So then, I’m secretly glad I yell. ; >

We leave the gym in silence.  ON the short ride home, we see four families walking WITH BABY STROLLERS, of course. We eat dinner in silence. I go upstairs to shower then cry myself to sleep.  This is my new routine.  This is how sadness lives.