Picture Day

Today is the dreaded first day of school. Why should that bother me you ask? Well it doesn’t directly. I have no kids. I didn’t have to fight buses on the way to work. I didn’t have a child to take pictures of this morning. I didn’t have a lunch to pack. I don’t have anyone to worry about throughout the day. My biggest fear is that I never will.

Facebook was a giant slap in the face again this morning. All those pictures of little ones starting their day with big bows, big backpacks, big smiles on most of their faces – I just couldn’t hold back the tears. It’s so hard to see something you want so bad and worry, face the fact that you may never have it.  I am starting to think I might have to do away with Facebook all together. It brings me nothing but anger, sadness and frustration.  And it’s not just the baby posts anymore.   I am starting to resent every post I read yet I keep going back for more. Gluten for punishment much?

It’s just like the friend I keep confiding in even though she almost always slides a “relax” in there somewhere and I end up wanting to snap her neck claw her eyes out  but have to just bite my tongue (almost in half) instead. **sigh**  So much for venting out loud.  Last night over drinks she told me the story about how a friend of a friend went through the same thing and when they decided to take a break and just do it when they felt like it and not track ovulation, temp, etc, they got pregnant. Now granted they were in their very early 30’s, had no prior health issues and probably plenty of money to pursue other avenues if needed. Well Gee..that’s the same. I can’t believe I am worried and can’t relax and just let it happen.  Yeah F*ck off.

I’m soon heading off to my acupuncture appointment. I don’t know how much good it’s doing for the infertility but it does give me an hour alone in a room to sleep and/or cry, sometimes a little of both. I’m thinking of kicking this habit as well since its basically turned into a bunch of expensive naps. I know I probably haven’t given it ample time to work but I’m just plain tired of waiting for everything to work.   Tired of waiting for my own pictures to post.