Bitter....Party of One!

So last night I had a meltdown.  In the gym. Yeah.  Fun times.  I’m sure my husband is doubly mortified on top of already having to walk into that place full of beautiful people with a lard butt for a wife. **sigh** Is it obvious yet I’m having a rough week? It probably was to the entire gym. I did manage to get in a half hour on the tread mill. Crying. Tears running down my face. I’m pretty sure I need to wait a week or so before venturing there again. 

I feel myself breaking in half and there is nothing I can do to stop it. Two days ago all I could think about was how lucky I am in life. I have soooo much to be thankful for. Now I can’t stop focusing on the not so luckiness. What is wrong with me? Why am I like this? Why can’t I be strong and face the day as a cup half full?

Well, because I know I’m not pregnant. I don’t actually have any hard evidence but in the same way they say a woman just knows when she is - even if it’s realistically too soon to tell - I just know that I’m not. I’m so angry. Why isn’t this happening? What are we doing wrong? What if something IS wrong and we are wasting precious time and money? Why can my stupid body not cooperate and give me the one thing I want most in this world? Why did I do to deserve this?  Why do I have to put my body and mind through pure torture only to be disappointed over and over again?

And the clomid. Oh boy. Did I mention this stuff is pure evil? Do I sound like a broken record yet? I’m pretty sure I’m done with this so called' medication'. First, it’s not working.  Clearly.  Second, it’s starting to affect my vision. All of the research I have done on the side effects say to stop taking it because the vision effects can be PERMANENT. REALLY? And all my doctor felt the need to mention was possible hot flashes?!  And I’m sure my husband will agree, it’s making me CrAzY!!!  Crazier than usual. And that is BAD!  Very bad. I hear myself snapping at him. At the Target cashier.  At co-workers. Seething. Fire Breathing. Yet I don’t stop. It just spews out of my mouth and I am powerless. I wish I could wear a sign that says please ignore me, I am on fertility medication!  Hmm… might not be a bad idea.

I wish more than anything I could turn it off, esp. around my husband. I wish he could see how much I am hurting and how hard it is to look at him without thinking that I have failed him as a wife in so many ways. The one thing I should be able to do, I can’t. No matter how hard I try. On the other hand, he makes me crazy by being so positive when I am so negative. I just don’t understand why he doesn’t take it as hard. How can he just go on with everyday life as if nothing is wrong? It makes me angry that him, the world, everyone else isn’t hurting the way I hurt. I’m so lonely I could crack. So then, I’m secretly glad I yell. ; >

We leave the gym in silence.  ON the short ride home, we see four families walking WITH BABY STROLLERS, of course. We eat dinner in silence. I go upstairs to shower then cry myself to sleep.  This is my new routine.  This is how sadness lives.