Sick & Tired

I wish I could announce it was because I’m pregnant. But in fact, it’s because I’m not. I was so sure this time. SO SURE.  Symptoms out the wazoo. Symptoms I have never had before. And I tried so hard NOT to obsess, if that’s even possible. But it’s kinda hard to imagine that it tastes like I have been sucking on stainless steel lollipops.  I’ve had a constant headache and most of the week, been cramping in a way that I never have before – sharp knife like pains instead of a constant dull throb.

And then the ride ends. The roller coaster came to a screeching halt this morning when I started spotting.  Earlier than expected - or not expected in this case. All I could do was cry sob in the shower. All I kept saying was “it’s just not fair”.  I didn’t think I could go thru this disappointment yet again. I was so sure God would not let me.  

I couldn’t face disappointing my husband yet again so I did the next cruelest thing I could think of – left a sticky note.  I know this is awful because I did it partly because I wanted someone else to feel as bad as I do all day. But partly because I swear to god I could not take hearing “oh well, we’ll try again next month”.  Bodily harm would have ensued, no lie.  He’s golfing today and my guess is no tears will be shed on the golf course. Which makes me seeth because I have to struggle thru a work day, avoiding people, trying not to cry (too late), be cordial and smile, get some actual work done with all this sadness churning in my brain. Again, It’s not fair.

So now it’s official. 10 tries. Two medications. An HSG. One SA. EPO. Preseed. A zillon dollars worth of OPK’s. acupuncture. And what has it gotten us. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. I wish I knew what it was I had done to deserve this……….