I Hear Ya God

Sometimes, it’s so strange how life works. Just when you feel you are most alone…just when you can’t imagine that God is anywhere near you because everything just hurts so damn much…just when you can’t feel anymore pity for yourself because you’ve reached the ‘my life is worthless' pinnacle…this is when God says, “haha – told you so.” (And yes I totally picture him sticking his tongue out with his thumbs in his hears saying nana nana boo boo!! Ha!)

Being an HR rep, I get many calls regarding medications, doctor’s visits, etc. You name it, I get asked it. Sometimes these calls/conversations go way over the TMI line. WAAAAAY over.  This morning I got a phone call from a sales rep who immediately began asking about insurance coverage of certain medications. Shockingly said medications were follistim, menopur…after  that I couldn’t tell you a word he said because the ringing in my ears was so loud I thought I was surely going deaf.   I vaguely remember him mentioning the RE practice and low and behold, it was the same place we just completed our first IVF cycle. I don’t think I have ever had such a moment of clarity in my entire life. God might as well have hit me over the head with the receiver. 

I’m sure I overstepped 26,356 HR boundaries but what the hell, I went for it. I shut my door and proceeded to make this guy’s ear bleed for the next 30 minutes. By the time we hung up, I swear I could tell he was smiling through the phone. In fact, next time I see him, I’m giving him a big bear hug, rules or no rules.  This man started the call scared to death then sounded like he couldn’t wait to give his wife their first shot.

If I get nothing else out of this experience, I feel like it was my purpose to answer that call and tell this particular person that he and his wife were in great hands and they would survive IVF and come out on the other side stronger than they ever thought possible. I feel like God purposely gave me the knowledge of the IVF experience to help this guy out, if only to let him breathe a few sighs of relief, knowing he wasn’t alone in this process and that people cared and were rooting for him and his wife. On the worst days, now that I look back, that’s really all it would have taken for me to smile.

Before we ended the call, he asked me the one question I was afraid of but knew was inevitable ……….

Did. It. Work?

IVF: Lessons Learned

We told a few family members and close friends about the IVF. In hindsight, I wish we’d told NO ONE. 5 of those 7 people ask me on a daily basis if it worked. And if not, they ask how I am feeling. EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. I know they are just being concerned but if it DID work, its going to be a loooooong 9 months. I'm surprise being hopped up on so many hormones that I haven't spewed out some detail they truly don't want to hear. Although maybe I should start giving them gory details like my ovaries are so large, yesterday, when I pooped, the pain was so intense I blacked out (no lie, true story). Think maybe that will shut 'em up?

If you think the typical 2ww is hell, then newsflash: there is no bigger hell than the 2ww wait, then 3 week then 4 week wait after IVF.  I’ve had a weekly panic attack at this point. 

You no longer care how many ultrasound wands get shoved up your hoo ha.  I tried to count how many I’ve had thus far, and I couldn’t. Is that sad?

If the stress level of IVF is any indication of how insane of a parent I will be, my future kid(s) will be royally screwed.  I keep waiting for my RE’s office to call the men in white jackets. I expect a standing ovation and full on celebration if/when I am released from there.

The endless needles are the least painful part of IVF so no use in wasting complaints on how much they hurt.  Much worse things are in store. MUCH.

My husband has really shown himself in a new light. He was pretty unsure about all this nonsense but he has been right by my side every step of the way and really stepped up to the plate at home. Don’t tell him I told you but I found out he even knows how to work the dishwasher. The secret is out. NO GOING BACK NOW BABE!!  : )

I never in a million years dreamed this is where life would take me, but needless to say it has been the adventure of a lifetime! One I will do all over again in a heartbeat if I have to.  The strength you find in yourself is utterly amazing.

Things I Question

Barnes & Noble does not carry a single book on IVF. Not one!!! I believe my chin is still on the floor at the customer service desk. They have a trillion on IBS though, in case you are wondering. And I’ve learned its best to enuuuuunciate when approaching the subject. **sigh**

Starting the IVF meds one day late is not a deal breaker. Try telling that to my overly obsessed, frenzied self who failed to check the box the pharmacy sent until the day of. Yeah, they left step one out completely.  And apparently this is the most common ‘emergency’ call my RE office receives after normal business hours.  Really? Who woulda thunk it?!

A pharmacist is ALWAYS trying to drum up business, even if she is sweet, kind and gives you her personal cell # to call 24/7 in the event that you need ANYTHING. But please do not fail to  mention this kindness and generosity and the fact the she was the only person on the East Coast able to fill above mentioned prescription at 8pm on a moment’s notice to the doctor who suggested her. I mean I suppose it’s the least I could do, right. pffttt (eye roll)

How does the universe know when you have spent your last dime on IVF and then plays mean tricks on you?  And why does it have to make the expensive things break?  And how does it know that a nice big kick while you are down would be to break the A/C when its over 100 degrees for 10 straight. Just HOW?

How come when you finally start to get pumped and ready for IVF and things start looking up and you feel positive, oh I don’t know, for the first time EVER, someone announces a pregnancy. And it hurts like a muther. Even if you have never met this person in real life. **sigh***

How is it that every single individual, medically speaking, that I have had to deal with regarding our current IVF cycle has earned a gold star for their impeccable sense of empathy, knowledge, and willingness to cater to my every need and beckon call EXCEPT the acupuncturist staff.  I mean am I wrong or is stress relief their freakin’ SPECAILTY or did I miss read the cards they have specifically placed on the desk of the RE office advertising their services to coincide with IVF cycles. HELLO? Get a personality and be nice, will ya? I promise, it won’t hurt! And I bet it will do WONDERS for my stress relief.  Hmpf…

How on earth is DH going to stick that giant Progesterone needle in my backside for weeks? I mean just looking at the needle already makes me want to throw up and we aren’t even close to being there yet. As if I don’t have to suffer enough already.  And don’t even try to butter me up with the tiny 30G insulin needle I use for the Lupron. I’m still not happy. The End.

Apparently my therapist was right when she told me I might have to spend the rest of my life stating the obvious to my DH people.  I without thinking assumed that when you know i'm currently taking mind numbing, body changing IVF medications and I tell you I feel like crap, you won't assume or ask me if I'm getting a cold. THERE.ARE.NO.WORDS. 

Don't Mock Me

Today was mock transfer day. Yeah it sucked but not half as bad as the IUI sucked. About 4,506,538 bajillion times less painful. Thank you Doctor!! You’re good people as far as I’m concerned. Even if you didn’t laugh at my 'using humor to mask nervousness’ jokes…..

After that 5 minutes of umcomfortableness (mostly because my husband asked if I wanted him to leave the room while I got undressed. WHAT.), I went downstairs to schedule the acupuncture. Booked solid for weeks. OK. so if you are booked solid leading up to the transfer, what about for the transfer itself? Oooohh...you always have an extra room set up for that. Ok. Good to know. Esp. since I am about to have a freakin’ meltdown in your lobby!! But I digress…

What I AM having trouble wrapping my head around is A) how an IVF nurse can yell out into the waiting room of an IVF clinic to the people she has just called back. “(squeeaaaal) I’m so excited for you two”, and B) WHY GOD WHY are their huge wrapped canvas photos of babies on the walls?!?!?!? Is it their warped version of motivational posters? The holiday photo cards next to the elevator I can ALMOST justify – I mean advertise your success. I get that. But perfect babies in baskets of fluffy blankets wearing angel wings really isn’t making me want to double my medication dose so much as throw myself out of your third floor window, K?

On a lighter note I started the Cir.cle+Bl.oom meditation CD’s last night. On July 4^th. Right at dark. Let me tell you, nothing relaxes you more than a dark room, a soothing voice, and bombs bursting in air. LOL. I had to laugh at myself - not my best idea. But from what I can tell, I think the CD’s were a worthy purchase. As will be my next purchase- a portable CD player. I should probably have been more specific when I asked DH if he had one and if I could borrow it. By portable he thought I meant not nailed down I guess because he granted my request by hauling his 1989 larger than my whole body boom box upstairs for me. ahhhhh – NOT what I had in mind BUT thanks for the gesture. Gotta love him though!!!

My meds should arrive tomorrow. Thanks goodness most of the office is on vacay – I’m seriously not excited about explaining to nosey people what I’ve ordered that needs refrigerating. Or why I have a cooler in my office. Esp. since I’m HR. Oh the rumors I will start. : )

Happy almost Friday and only 5 more days of BC! Woo hoo (it’s the small things)!

One for the Money

A financial advisor from the IVF office called this morning. Hands down the NICEST person I have ever dealt with, medically speaking, in my entire life. And that's saying something because I have dealt with A LOT of them. But I guess when you are calling to collect $9500, you kinda have to be nice.

Yep, that was not a typo! You heard read it correctly. $10,000 smackeroos. And that's only half. And yet, she had me laughing, cracking jokes even. But she sounded so..I don't know...GENUINE. Like she really was on our side. Like she really wanted this to pay off for us. Like nothing would make her happier. She even gave specifics of our last appointment which made it seem like she was actually GASP! reading our chart. I mean who is this godly women? And how do I find more like her?

Polar opposite of the last place who insisted their billing system was NEVER wrong and fought me every step of the way over three charges I insisted WERE wrong. I finally gave up, figuring said world famous teaching hospital needed that money more than I did (god knows they need another shiny weird unidentifiable sculpture in the cafeteria) and paid it. And yesterday got a nice big ole fat refund check for the exact amount I was fighting. **sigh**  I'm too tired to even bitch about make fun of the anymore...... Althought a huge part of me wants to mail them a copy of the check with TOLD YOU SO written across the top BUT I'll just let that one lie. Don't want to spoil the illusion for them or anything. (insert eye roll here)

So this is the last weekend we get to spend with a hufe chunk of our life savings. I wonder how we should handle it. Cash it out and roll around in it? Print out the statement and light it on fire? Hold a vigil?   I'm thinking it deserves at least a round or 10 of cocktails!!  Yeah that sounds about right. Cheers to you, you money, you payer of the hopeful conception of my child(ren), you opportunity for my hopes and dreams to come true, you reason I don't jump off the nearest bridge (yet), you once in a lifetime chance to complete my world. But no pressure of course.  You just do your best! wink