I often wonder if/how/when I will ever let go of being infertile. I know we’ve climbed a major mountain, but the descent is proving to be just as challenging. I hate to sound ungrateful because there is no amount of joy that compares with the promise of becoming a mom after so much time, heartache and disappointment, but in all honesty, I feel like the same girl who had peed on her thousandth stick and wondered will this every happen or am I destined to live my life without a child of my own. She is still there, at the front of my mind, at every twinge or story about how ‘so and so lost her child at the stage you are at now’ (which by the way is SO helpful).
All I do lately is…….
Compare my SIL’s 27 week bump to my measly 16 week bump.
Feel jealous over Face.book pregnancy announcements knowing they probably happened naturally
Be deathly afraid to buy, plan, or talk about anything related to this baby. I can’t bear the thought of having to return an outfit, take down a crib or “remember when I was so happy……” Yeah, no thanks.
Not want to find out the gender partly because one day I might have to miss a son or daughter I never got to hold. (The other part is just to spite people who seem devastated that they won’t know my baby’s gender and openly suggest I am putting a huge damper on their plans in the meantime. Grrrrrrr)
Feel sick to my stomach when we announce our news to a couple who tells us they tried and failed IVF three times.
Take a week to write a post because I am so deathly afraid I will have to write one later documenting a loss.
Keep rubbing my stomach and telling the little one to hang in there for me because I need him/her so badly to survive this.
Thank God almost every day for this opportunity even if he plans to take it all away.
I can't imagine holding my child in my arms one day. I can't imagine how it will look, feel, sound.... I also can't imagine NOT knowing either. And that is what gets me through all these days.
I felt that way for quite some time too. I was SUPER sensitive to others still trying as well. But, I had a few people that reminded me to enjoy this time. You need to do that as well. Like me, it might be our only time/chance, and it would be a shame not to.
ReplyDeleteGranted, I still think about the infertile me at times, but it seems with every week and the bigger my tummy gets I don't dwell on everything we went through.
That's NOT to say I'm going to forget it. Brad and I still remind people on a weekly basis of the fight we had to fight to get to where we are.
Make sense?
Funny you say this. I read a book called "Hannah's Hope" about a women who had tried to get pregnant for 10 years . During that time, she did get pregnant and give birth to 2 kids, but in the meantime dealt with miscarriages and adoption losses. She said once her first kid was finally born, she was soo obsessed with being infertile/getting pregnant that she immediately started stressing about trying to get pregnant again. I feel like us "infertile" people work so hard for so long and dedicate so much thinking power to getting pregnant that our brains don't stop even when we are!
ReplyDeleteMy sister is law was so nervous with her pregnancy (it took them 7 years) and she got on an email list that sent her 'what was developing' each week. Each week she specifically prayed for the baby and where it was. This seemed to help. Hang in there! You have a miracale in your belly!! :)
try to enjoy this time the best you can! i know its hard:)
ReplyDeleteHey! I'm not blogger savy but have a personal question. Can you email me (hollybenson10@yahoo.com) when you get a chance, it's in regards to testing.
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