Brace for Impact

No matter how much I brace myself, pregnancy announcements always rock me to the core. It doesn’t matter who they are – family member, brief acquaintance, someone I have never met – it’s all the same to me. What should be happy news really makes me want to curl up in to a ball and die. Yep – that good.

There were two announcements this week that should have had zero effect on me. I mean they are two couples who I rarely see and perhaps the sweetest, most deserving people you will ever meet. BUT there is hardly ever just the pregnancy to find out about. There always seems to be a good ‘ole story behind how it happened. And shocking I know  but they never seem to involve a struggle – always some grateful to god mind blowing coincidence that restores everyone’s faith (except mine) but never a long, drawn out, expensive, heart wrenching story.

The first couple has been married for a while. So they are probably to the point of their perfect plan where they are ready to start trying. She goes off the pill for ONE month.  Boom.  Pregnant.  The other announced they were divorcing mid last year. I’m so happy they found their way back to each other. BUT she wasn’t even sure she wanted kids. Not yet anyway.  Boom.  Pregnant.

Every time I think about it, I swear I tear up. I know I know. I am a horrible, horrible person for thinking these thoughts that I think. But my heart physically hurts knowing that we have to wait for year(s), spend umpteen thousand dollars and a whole lot of heartache just to MAYBE get what should happen naturally. I feel so robbed. So cheated.  And so rotten for feeling this way.

My brother in law told us he wanted to talk to the family this weekend……….. the rest of the sentence was about  a rental property on the family land. But all I heard was the sound of my blood rushing through my ears. Everything went black. If I react that way to THAT, how in the hell will I handle it when they really make the baby announcement?! 

When I started spotting yesterday, it hurt. And I knew there was no way on this planet that we could be pregnant – we spent my entire fertile week not speaking. But part of me wants my miracle story – not one of waiting, worrying and anguish, but one with WOW factor that makes everyone say ‘oh what a blessing from God” blah blah blah. I HATE those kinds of sentiments but the selfish part of me doesn’t want to be robbed of even that.

**sigh** I’ve reached a new low.