10 Secrets

A few fellow bloggers are taking this challenge so I thought I would follow suit, except with a twist of infertility mixed in.

1.    I sort of always knew that getting pregnant would be difficult for me. Not just because of the endometriosis or the myriad of other health issues or the waiting until I’m 36 to start (not by choice people, not by choice), but because of a gut feeling I’ve always had. And who am I kidding, NOTHING I’ve ever wanted has been easy.

2.   Sometimes I wonder if my husband wishes he had not married me because there is a chance we cannot have biological children.

3.   Infertility hurts, confuses and frustrates but most of all, I am just REALLY F’N PISSED about it.

4.   I get really emotional when driving behind cars with those little stick figure family decals on them.  It hurts that those people get children and we don’t. L

5.   I absolutely dread the day one of my close friends or my sister tells me they are pregnant. As much as I want to be happy for them, just thinking about it makes me seethe because I know I will have to act happy. Frankly, I think I deserve to get pregnant first.

6.   Infertility is the loneliest existence to me. I feel like I have absolutely no one to confide it. My friends are sick of hearing it and most of the time don’t understand and unknowingly say insensitive things.   My mother and I do not speak and when we did she made the comment that each time she wanted to be pregnant, she just was. My husband never seems to lose an ounce of sleep over it. I know men react differently to these kinds of things, but he shows zero emotion whatsoever and expects the same from me. Mind numbing, I swear. So that leaves, well NO ONE.

7.   It bothers me that so many celebrities are pregnant. I mean the pregnant people have completely taken over my People magazine and other guilty celebrity pleasures. It’s like they are taunting me.

8.   I hate hate hate facebook pregnancy announcements and updates but secretly cannot wait until the day I can post my own.

9.   I feel very selfish and stupid when I read about people who have been trying for years and years to have a baby and I can’t handle 10 months with my sanity intact.  I also start to have panic attacks when I think what IF we have to about have to battle if for years and years. How will I survive that?

10.  I feel like infertility is some sort of punishment for past mistakes. I wish I didn’t, but I do.