It's Official

I’m coo coo. I bought a decoration for a nursery. (gawd – insert forehead slap here). In  my defense, it was technically an outdoor/garden/patio decoration but all I could think about was how stinkin’ cute it would be on a shelf in a nursery. And I knew if I didn’t buy it, I would kick myself later when I couldn’t find another one. See, one day I will thank me!! Or either I just jinxed the shit out of myself. Either way, what’s done is done.

It could have been worse, right? I could have been perusing the baby aisles at Target, PRETENDING to buy a registry gift. Or rubbing onesie’s at Belk. But, nooooooooo. I was minding my own business in a discount store that I frequent for decorative items. SWEAR.TO.GOD. What can I say?  It spoke to me.

Still I pulled the ‘ole ‘hide it in your trunk from your husband’ technique. Not because I thought he would give me a hard time for spending money we need to save (which he would) BUT because he would probably immediately summon the men in white coats. 

I smiled all the way to the car. All the way home. It just made me feel better dammit. Like this is not an IF but a WHEN. People keep telling me a little hope goes a long way. So there's your hope. Right there people. Right next to the garden gnomes and flower pots. And now in my trunk. 

Happy Friday!!

WPMOW (what pisses me off wednesday)

Along the same lines as What I’m Loving Wednesday but different.

-    The IVF nurse told me yesterday that a positive attitude goes a long way. Easy to say when you aren’t the one being the human pin cushion. And btw- a knuckle sandwich is pretty long lasting as well. hmpf…..

-     I need to start counting days so I know when to start meds. Friggin’ impossible when AF starts. Stops. Starts. Then stops again. Seriously, my body hates me.

-    The only questions DH asked the IVF nurse yesterday was when could be DO IT? Really? REALLY? That’s your concern? Buddy, you better focus on how not to get your eyes scratched out for the next few weeks. Jus sayin…..

-    The timing of this IVF cycle will more than likely make me have to miss a concert I have been looking forward to for months. As if infertility hasn’t taken enough away from me already. sigh…………….

-     I emailed my DH all the details of my weird AF today. His response was he almost lost his breakfast. Really? Note to self: he gets ALL THE GORY DETAILS from here on out. ALL! Why should I suffer alone? : )

-     I will suffer possibly up to 8 weeks of painful shots in my rear, major hormonal shifts, feeling like tee total crap I’m guessing for much of the duration of this process, weight gain and god knows what else. DH gets to masturbate. HOW IS THIS FAIR?????????

-    I was all geared up to follow the EZ fertility diet. NO WHITE WINE. Bitch please………..

Not a Father's Day

As we sat in church yesterday, before the minister spoke a single word, a huge lump formed in my throat and I wondered if today bothered my husband as much as Mother’s Day bothered me. He didn’t mention it. His facial expressions (or lack thereof, I mean its church- He typically yawns and looks at his watch a lot) gave nothing away. He even accepted the money clip, passed out to all the ‘dads’ or any male of adult age, with what resembled pride. Even if his stupid wife did say immediately, BUT YOU’RE NOT A DAD. Way to go, girl. WAY.TO.GO.

I know he is male. I know has to be strong. But it had to sting at least a little. Thankfully, the sermon did not focus on being a parent but more on setting a godly example for everyone you meet. I could have seriously hugged the guy after the service. Shockingly enough, he and his wife are unable to bear children. Or adopt. Go figure.

On the way home, while discussing some things that are up in the air for us, he said, out loud for the first time, we should focus on a pregnancy first. I have felt so alone up until this point, like the burden was completely on my shoulders. But now, it felt like he was making the decision too. Like this meant as much to him as it meant to me. Like for the first time, maybe since we got married, that we were husband and wife and this was our plan to move forward. Together.

I would have given my life to be able to wish this man a Happy Father’s Day yesterday. 

One for the Money

A financial advisor from the IVF office called this morning. Hands down the NICEST person I have ever dealt with, medically speaking, in my entire life. And that's saying something because I have dealt with A LOT of them. But I guess when you are calling to collect $9500, you kinda have to be nice.

Yep, that was not a typo! You heard read it correctly. $10,000 smackeroos. And that's only half. And yet, she had me laughing, cracking jokes even. But she sounded so..I don't know...GENUINE. Like she really was on our side. Like she really wanted this to pay off for us. Like nothing would make her happier. She even gave specifics of our last appointment which made it seem like she was actually GASP! reading our chart. I mean who is this godly women? And how do I find more like her?

Polar opposite of the last place who insisted their billing system was NEVER wrong and fought me every step of the way over three charges I insisted WERE wrong. I finally gave up, figuring said world famous teaching hospital needed that money more than I did (god knows they need another shiny weird unidentifiable sculpture in the cafeteria) and paid it. And yesterday got a nice big ole fat refund check for the exact amount I was fighting. **sigh**  I'm too tired to even bitch about make fun of the anymore...... Althought a huge part of me wants to mail them a copy of the check with TOLD YOU SO written across the top BUT I'll just let that one lie. Don't want to spoil the illusion for them or anything. (insert eye roll here)

So this is the last weekend we get to spend with a hufe chunk of our life savings. I wonder how we should handle it. Cash it out and roll around in it? Print out the statement and light it on fire? Hold a vigil?   I'm thinking it deserves at least a round or 10 of cocktails!!  Yeah that sounds about right. Cheers to you, you money, you payer of the hopeful conception of my child(ren), you opportunity for my hopes and dreams to come true, you reason I don't jump off the nearest bridge (yet), you once in a lifetime chance to complete my world. But no pressure of course.  You just do your best! wink

Five Friday Facts

1 – I scheduled our IVF nurse class. HUGE step for me. I guess the first step is always the hardest?! And what does my husband find out? He is scheduled to travel. What do I tell him? TOO DAMN BAD. He told them he would be a day late. Take that, corporate bullies.

2 – I am probably going to ovulate tomorrow. I haven’t mentioned this to the hubs. Part of me is banging my fist on my head saying dummy – why would you waste a perfectly good cycle. The other part of me says -eh...what’s the point. Doesn’t work anyway.  It’s kind of liberating actually because frankly BD is becoming a chore.  And if the man can’t count to 14, well then………he’s on his own (why? because I am mean like that sometimes!).

3 – I started group therapy this week. Very first thing, a guy talks about his three kids. Next up, a woman talks about her kids. **sigh** It’s going to be a loooooooooong three months. I slipped and mentioned the infertility in the first 10 minutes. NOT my plan. I didn’t want to divulge it this soon, if at all. But I guess it’s always forefront in my mind. And all these strangers with their blank stares wanting to know why it’s hard for me to get out of bed in the morning. Once they divulged some of their problems, I felt guilty and stupid and non –deserving. I guess that’s why I’m in group therapy. **sigh**

4 – We are about to spend the weekend with 3 children under the age of 6. They are precious. They love some me!! (I am a child magnet – go figure).  I want to look forward to it but I just can’t. I have packed extra beer and wine.

5 – Our families have a bajillion birthdays in the month of May, which along with Mother’s Day, makes this the single busiest month of  the entire year for us. It’s exhausting. If we proceed with IVF as scheduled and by some miracle it works, we might have a May baby. This just makes me laugh on the inside – esp. since my mom has spent a lifetime begging my sister and I not to give birth in the month of May or she will kill over. Wouldn’t that just be something. : )

What you ask?

I stole this from one of the umpteen thousand blogs I read but can't remember which one so its hard to give credit where credit is due. But to whoever posted it, it really struck a nerve with me. And the answer is, become a mom. No matter what it takes. That's what!!!!!!