Mindless Banter....

This is the worst kind of wait – the time between AF and ovulation. I hate it. It’s nothingness. One giant void. No hope. No obsessing over every little twinge. Just empty endless waiting. Especially when clomid delays things by several days. That in itself is maddening. SOOO…here are some ramblings, thoughts and updates, in no particular order……

*I just got word that a good friend is not trying but not preventing. Hearing this was like being punched in the gut. My defenses automatically kicked in. I know they will get pregnant before us. How will I survive  that? How will I find it in myself to be happy for them and smile and pretend that my heart and soul are still intact? How in the hell am I going to deal with yet someone else getting pregnant when here I sit. Still not a mom.

*I’ve also decided that I don’t want to talk about babies anymore. Not to any extent. I’ve cut myself off from people. I don’t call friends. I eat lunch alone. It's easier this way.

*This process has made me so bitter.  I can’t even find it in my heart to be happy for someone else. And while I would like to think I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy, there is a part of me who DOES wish it on people, so I won’t have to suffer the news of their good fortune. I hate this about myself. I hate that the news of a pregnancy makes me want to fold myself into a little ball and disappear.

*I almost hurled a $200 ovulation monitor through the bathroom wall this morning. It’s peeing on a stick for Christ’s sake, not rocket science yet I am still getting error messages. Thank you clomid, you stupid %^&%$#*(&^#.

*I finally gave in to three years of my husband begging me to join a gym. I still can’t believe I go to a gym. Crazy. Not that I enjoy these 25 extra pounds of what people keep calling “happy weight”, but honestly I have been afraid to start any kind of major exercising for fear it might somehow hurt my chances of conceiving or if I in fact do conceive, all that jumping around might somehow harm the tadpole. Yeah I know Crazy. But this is how the mind of an infertile works. Every move you make is a big deal. But I decided if I wait, I might never get to do it since the conceiving part doesn’t seem to be happening now or anytime soon. Now don’t tell my hubs but I LOVE IT. Granted I’ve only been twice but it really does give me a sense of accomplishment and if nothing else, it takes my mind off of ‘you know what’, even if only for an hour or so.

*One of my best friends who just recently had a baby (of whom which I am the appointed guardian god forbid anything should happen) is moving to another country TOMORROW. Over 24 hours away from me. Saying goodbye to that baby that I only got to hold for a weekend literally sliced me to the core. I couldn’t kiss him enough. I still smelled him on me two days later. I probably won’t get to see him again until he is 5. My brain cannot even process this yet.

*I’ve decided I need some distractions. I recently discovered the website Pinterest. WARNING – highly addictive – almost as bad as poas addicting. SOOO many good DIY ideas and I feel sorry for my husband and wallet already.  I’ve also been toying with taking a jewelry class. I need an outlet I suppose. Other than punching walls and yelling at people (but that’s fun too. J). 

*Saw this quote recently and it really made me say hmmmm…

What if you woke up today with only the things you thanked God for yesterday?

Didn’t take me long to realize I would have nothing.  Is that perspective for ya or what?  Wonder if I thank God for the ability to ovulate, he can make that happen tomorrow? Hmmmmm……