We are what we repeatedly do...

So this is how yesterday's post began…….

When you are TTC and its not working, one of the few things you’ve got is HOPE. Now I’m not one to go around spewing positive – anyone who knows me well is aware of this. I’ve been working on that. It’s a daily hourly struggle for a pessimist like myself. Infertility makes it tenfold. Trust me. If you already think you are worthless, try not being able to give your husband a child. That will leave you teetering on the edge for sure. And it doesn’t help that I started this journey with “you’re too old”, “you have too many health problems”, “you didn’t take good enough care of your body” playing over and over in my mind like a broken record.

But an amazing thing happens every single month . Every 30 or so days I hang on to every little shred of hope my mind and heart can possibly produce. I even promised I wouldn’t do it to myself this month. I would go on about my everyday life and not analyze every little tug and pull. Not easy because pregnancy has about 1011 symptoms. And out of those 1011, about 1011 can be symptoms of other things too. Hell this morning, I felt nauseas and cramping in my nether region and I smiled to myself in the mirror. SMILED.  Yeah, well on my way to freakdom aren’t I?

Granted I have had numerous symptoms every single month for the past 9 months. Always sure it had finally happened for us. Always hoping, wishing, praying, willing it true. But even after each and every disappointing BFN, I’ve somehow managed to pull myself together and go on to the next. It’s a trait I am not familiar with. I mean I have even found myself rooting on other women on blogs and infertility websites. ME? The eternal Debbie downer. The non-believer in all things good.

It almost makes me see that even though I have yet to gain a baby, I HAVE gained a new sense of strength, one I didn’t know I was capable of. IT hasn’t defeated me (even if some days I can’t get out of bed, stop crying, put one foot in front of the other function like a normal human being). Hell, it may just end up making me one of the strongest people I know. Definitely going to come in handy if when I become a mom.

And then…

I made the huge mistake of logging onto Facebook. When will I ever learn (shaking head)?  A co-worker from years ago whose daughter got married, pregnant, and divorced all in the span of a year just got remarried a few months ago and wouldn’t you know it, her friggin’ profile picture is a positive digital pregnancy test. It took every last ounce of will power I had NOT to go lay in traffic. WHY GOD WHY?

I went out to lunch because well food always makes me feel better and there were 9…count them 9 pregnant women between work and the restaurant. I mean really GOD? What did I do to deserve this? Tell me so I can fix it.

Ahh the life of a TTC'er.  **sigh**