Have I Said Too Much?

These last few days have been REALLY trying. Its one thing for AF to show up, but to THINK she shows up, then realize she didn’t, but then she does for real but 3 days later than you expected and this NEVER happens, well, your patience sort of wears thin. So thin in fact that by 11:30am yesterday, I was a sobbing mess.

Every month is disappointing to say the least, but yesterday, I just lost it completely and wasn’t sure why this month was harder than others. Maybe because I REALLY thought this was our month. We did everything right. I went thru a great deal of pain thanks to an evil, EVIL medication that is suppose to help with this process but also made me what a fellow blogger so eloquently described as Bitchtastic – which I am sure my husband would thoroughly agree. I spent two weeks praying every day that AF didn’t show her ugly face. Then three days straight praying she would. You see, in the land of TTC, when her arrival is inevitable, the sooner she shows, she sooner you can start trying again!  Although I knew she was coming, it was still devastating. I felt so lost and alone. Alone being the operative word here because, you see, this month the only difference is I tried to keep it all to myself.

People who are having a difficult time conceiving tend to talk about it and nothing else ALL THE TIME. Or at least it seems that way to me. I mean I think about it constantly.  From the time I wake up and poas to the deciphering of every little twinge and pain and what it might mean. I eat, sleep and breathe baby and soon realized that it was all I seemed to be talking about to friends and family. And as much as they love and support me, I’m sure at times  they probably feel like pelting me across the room when I complain or offer up TMI {which tends to happen a lot when your main focus in life involves reproductive parts. : )}

So pent up anger + keeping my frustrations all bottled up + PMS = sobbing blubbering idiot the second a very close co-workers asks how your day is going. And her hugging me and kissing me on the forehead and telling me she loved me only fueled the sob-fest. Another co-worker and one of my BFF’s came into my office once alerted to my state of mind – or maybe it was the fact that I had lost my mind.  I just put my face into my hands and blurted out every single horrible thought I had had in the past 36 hours. She just listened and told me she loved me and would do anything she could to take my pain away. I think it’s the first time I have really let anyone in on how painful this process actually is. It’s the first time I have let my guard down, invited someone in and spoken the words out loud.

I must admit, I felt better once I got it all out of my system. And I realized that even though they don’t always understand or know exactly what to say, aside from “relax”, “it will happen as soon as you stop trying” and the ever popular “it will happen when the time is right”, I do have people that are routing for me and praying hard and hoping just as much as I am that I am able to become a mother.

So maybe I don’t have to keep it ALL inside all the time. Maybe I just need to figure out how to share without being obnoxious, overbearing or a big fat snooze. Maybe I don’t have to be completely ALONE in this. Maybe JUST MAYBE I shouldn’t judge people by the comments they make. They don’t understand exactly how this feels. I didn’t until I started living it. I guess at some point I  have to stop and ask myself, if I were them and they were me, what WOULD I say?

P.S. With all that being said, I’m still baffled by how little grown women know about the reproductive process!!!!!!! It IRKS the crap out of me. Whew. Okay. Now I feel better!  See, like I said. Bitchtastic!!!! J