Some Things Never Change

I often wonder if/how/when I will ever let go of being infertile.  I know we’ve climbed a major mountain, but the descent is proving to be just as challenging. I hate to sound ungrateful because there is no amount of joy that compares with the promise of becoming a mom after so much time, heartache and disappointment, but in all honesty, I feel like the same girl who had peed on her thousandth stick and wondered will this every happen or am I destined to live my life without a child of my own. She is still there, at the front of my mind, at every twinge or story about how ‘so and so lost her child at the stage you are at now’ (which by the way is SO helpful).   

All I do lately is…….

Compare my SIL’s 27 week bump to my measly 16 week bump.

Feel jealous over Face.book pregnancy announcements knowing they probably happened naturally

Be deathly afraid to buy, plan, or talk about anything related to this baby. I can’t bear the thought of having to return an outfit, take down a crib or “remember when I was so happy……” Yeah, no thanks.

Not want to find out the gender partly because one day I might have to miss a son or daughter I never got to hold.  (The other part is just to spite people who seem devastated that they won’t know my baby’s gender and openly suggest I am putting a huge damper on their plans in the meantime. Grrrrrrr)

Feel sick to my stomach when we announce our news to a couple who tells us they tried and failed IVF three times.

Take a week to write a post because I am so deathly afraid I will have to write one later documenting a loss.

Keep rubbing my stomach and telling the little one to hang in there for me because I need him/her so badly to survive this.

Thank God almost every day for this opportunity even if he plans to take it all away. 

I can't imagine holding my child in my arms one day. I can't imagine how it will look, feel, sound....  I also can't imagine NOT knowing either. And that is what gets me through all these days.

Oh Glorious Day

There are no better words to hear than "your test results are negative for Down's, Trisomy 13 and Trisomy 18." Today will go down as one of the very best days of my life. Thank you all for thinking of me through what can only be described as some dark, dark days.

God is so good.

So this is what it feels like....

...to be trapped in a nightmare and unable to wake up. As if this pregnancy hasn't been the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire  life, the universe isn't done testing me just yet.

Got a call late yesterday that my first trimester screening bloodwork indicated an elevated risk of Down's. There will never be a time that i will NOT hear that sentence playing over and over in my brain. So now....we meet with a genetics counselor tomorrow morning to discuss further testing options.

Lord, if I have never needed you before, now is the time that I need you the most. Give me the strength to face whatever you have in store for me and this child.

You Get What You Wish For?

I know my announcement might sting a little to some of you. I mean it used to feel like the end of the world to me. Even perfect strangers announcing cut me to the core. And the worst part was when they said, “all you have to do is believe…if it can happen to me, it can happen to you….it’s a miracle from God….blah blah blah” – yeah frankly I wanted to kick them in the crotch.  SO I hope and pray that I don’t come across that way in any way shape or form. And for those of you in any pain, I’m truly, truly sorry for that.

If it makes you feel any better, this has been a pretty rough 1^st trimester. I hate to complain ’cause well I only have myself to blame. Ha!  I mean I PAID GOOD MONEY to feel like this. And I admit I was one of THOSE people who use to think, morning sickness, cankles, feeling like death…BRING IT.  BUT 3 months of constant pain/discomfort/generally feeling like poop – WELL, it still sucks no matter how much you welcome it.  Don’t get me wrong, I would feel this way for the whole 9 months if it meant I get to be a mom but again, it’s not fun by any sense of the word. And trying to hide it from the world only makes it that much harder. Plus I’ve had the IVF complications to contend with. So yeah – for the most part, I feel like crap and I’m scared to death. Not much morning sickness though. AMEN HALLELUJAH PRAISE THE LORD.

Someone told me yesterday they can't stand to hear pregnant women complain. Yeah, bullshit. There isn’t a human being on earth that doesn’t complain when it hurts to walk. No one wishes for pain. And it doesn’t hurt any less when it’s something you ASKED FOR or WANTED.  Pain is pain is pain. So basically what I’m finding out quickly is that as lonely as IF is, unfortunately, pregnancy just might prove to be lonelier. **sigh**

(And for the record, I have NEVER once complained about being pregnant.)

What they don't tell you......

IVF that results in a pregnancy can also result in giant ovaries for months which causes fluid to pool in your belly which cause these most excruciating pain you have ever felt up to this point which then causes the RE to have to insert a GIANT needle into your vaginal wall to drain said fluid, but only after he tells you repeatedly, “it doesn’t hurt at all” but it actually IS the worst pain you have ever felt, up to this point.

You will soon be too fat for your clothes but not fat enough for maternity clothes. There just are not enough flowy shirts on earth to cover up the fact that my pants are held together with a rubber band on a daily basis.

You aren’t even out of your first trimester and your mom already wants to know what color the nursery will be, what you plan to name it, what it will call her AND has no qualms about yelling across a crowded store to ask whether you plan to breast feed. (CRINGE) You can TRY to tell her to take a deep breath, take a step back and not get ahead of herself to which she will reply with a text of 25 possible baby names. **sigh**

Said mother will also refuse to understand why you have no intention of decorating the nursery in pastel pink, baby blue, green or yellow. OH THE HORROR.

Your husband might still refuse to acknowledge and/or talk about all things baby. Why? Because he is scared out of his mind, that’s why.   It’s heartbreaking but at the same time makes me want to break his face.

The reaction you get from most people when you reveal you are 'expecting' is often not what you expected. I got accused of lying, being mean to wait so long before telling and tears from people who never cry and no tears from people who cry all the time. WTF.  Confusing and exhausting. 

People will be HORRIFIED if you reveal you do not plan to find out the gender. How dare you make it impossible for them to buy pink or blue.  I mean how selfish can you be!! (tee hee)

The constipation can be MIND NUMBING.  People, did I mention MIND NUMBING? 

  

The 2ww frenzy is NOTHING compared to the time between ultrasounds to ensure there is still a heartbeat and a baby growing in there. OMG if Wednesday doesn’t get here soon, I’m going to LOSE my mind.

The worry never ends. I spend every single second in constant fear that I will lose this child. I have a feeling birth does not end that fear.

                Making a decision to have a child--it's momentous. It is to decide forever to have  your heart go walking around outside your body. - Elizabeth Stone

And last but not least…..Men have NO IDEA how much cribs cost so the jaw dropping price tag you find on the crib you would die to have…yeah you can totally get it. : )