Aaaaaand we’re back.

Not just from the most amazing trip ever but back TO reality (read as infertility).  Not that we ever really left it. My body didn’t get the memo that we were on vacay, so the spotting began about day 3 AND AF paid a visit on the flight home. FANTASTIC!  I wasn’t shocked. Or sad really. Well, ok sad but I didn’t throw myself off any mountain peaks as I might have done early on in this process, so we’re good.  But I was reminded that no matter how beautiful your surroundings, no matter how much fun you are having, and no matter how happy you feel – perhaps the happiest you have ever felt in your life, you cannot escape infertility. Not even for a little while.

Let’s start with the flight there. Very first person I see in the airport and every person after that. Pregnant. **sigh** Really? Is this necessary? I retaliated by having a pre-flight margarita. Did I mention our flight was at 9:40 am??? tee hee Take that pregnant lady!!!!

The good news is being possibly pregnant in Colorado would NOT have been fun. I have never done so much physical activity on a vacation in my life. Good lord how do these people relax???  Had I been pregnant or even thought it for a second, I would have been a nervous wreck the entire time since I am pretty sure NOTHING we did was safe for a woman with child. Or at least that’s what I kept telling my over active, every little thing that could go wrong, pregnancy obsessed mind.

Colorado is also not absent of baby, strollers, and preggos either. THEY.ARE.EVERY.WHERE. Again silly me for thinking I could escape it. The flight home had no less than 20 small children/babies on it. The mom next to me kept apologizing to me as her baby used her as a jungle gym the entire 4 hours. Her other two small children acted like angels. Did I mention one was her adopted daughter from Ethiopia?  OK GOD. I HEAR YOU. And lady, I would give a trillion million dollars to be in your position so PLEASE STOP APOLOGIZING.

We attended a cookout for Memorial Day. Umpteen kids there, of all shapes and sizes. Shocker.  Did it sting a little? Yes. Did I ewww and ahhhhh over  two little toe heads the first 30 minutes? Yes. Was I glad I could guzzle beer while their dad tried to feed them both food with CHILI on it, while keeping them seated, plates on laps and holding two puppies back from gobbling up their lunches. YES, YES I did and I didn’t feel guilty AT ALL. : )  Frankly, the entire party was total chaos. And I can’t say that a tiny part of me wasn’t thankful I got to go home and leave all that chaos behind.  Oh, did I mention there was a grandmother there with two little ones she is currently fighting her drugged out son for custody?! Yeah. Again. FAN FREAKING TASTIC.

And so…..

Real life started again today. Back to the grind. First item on my to do list: email the IVF nurse and tell her we are ready to move forward and don’t even blink when you hit send. Yep I'd say reality just slapped me in the face. : )

Leaving on a jet plane……

Tomorrow I will be high in the sky on my way to COLORADO. Yes, I yelled that. I.AM.SO.EXCITED.

We need a break. Far away from shots and ultrasounds and hormones and peeing on sticks. We need to be free and have fun and enjoy being just US (maybe for the last time? I secretly wonder to myself).  Today is 6 dpo. I don’t know if I’m pregnant or not. For once, I’m not sure I care. Now when/if AF rears her ugly head next weekend, I will probably beg the flight attendants for a) more vodka b) to open the hatch or c) all of the above. 

But until then, I’m going to soak in some bee-u-tee-full scenery, explore caves, check out ghost towns, white water raft for the first time (OMFG) go horseback riding and SHOP, yes holy god shop. (can I get an amen?) and hopefully enjoy a few cocktails or 20.  ; ) 

For now I will be happy and not worry about anything else but having fun and enjoying life. I think we deserve at least a week of that. For a whole week, I won't be infertile. 

(Dear God, aside from not letting the plane crash, please please please don't sit me beside a pregnant lady. thank you! Amen)

Today I am…..

37 years old.

I’m still no closer to becoming a mother. But what I realized this morning when I woke up in my beautiful bedroom in my nice home beside my husband who cooked me dinner and bought me a BEAUTIFUL amethyst necklace from  my favorite jeweler AND my favorite cupcakes from my favorite bakery is that life, albeit not what I had envisioned at this age, ain’t  half bad. In fact, I’m down right lucky. And deep down, I’ve always known it.

As a gift to myself, I ordered our genetics test kit which is required by our IVF doctor. First step taken. Deeeeep breath…

I.CAN.DO.THIS.

SHUT THE FRONT DOOR

"I felt more powerful than I've ever felt in my life. I felt connected to my body. I felt like I knew my purpose in the world."-  Beyoncé Knowles on giving birth

It’s BS things like this and idiots people like her that make me want to scream my head off. THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK FAMOUS PERSON WHO EVERYONE SEES, HEARS, ENVIES, STRIVES TO IMITATE.  Try peeing on three hundred and fourty eleven thousand sticks, having a wand shoved up your hoo hah every other day, giving yourself shots in the stomach, shooting up meds that make you fat, ugly bloated, pissed off and evil, then get back to me on how connected you feel to your body (which by the way fails you at every turn) and THEN we’ll talk. Until then stfu and go paint your nails blue and buy a blue car and because frankly someone with all that supposed style and class should be able to come up with a better name for their child than a primary color. 

Now excuse me while I go seek out MY purpose in the world which is apparantly different than most women.

 

Remind me to cancel my subscription to People Magazine.