Scared Shitless

Today I am 11 weeks pregnant - proof that IVF works, prayer changes everything, and a little bit of faith goes a LONG way. Now please excuse me while I freak the FK out for the next 29 weeks.

I Hear Ya God

Sometimes, it’s so strange how life works. Just when you feel you are most alone…just when you can’t imagine that God is anywhere near you because everything just hurts so damn much…just when you can’t feel anymore pity for yourself because you’ve reached the ‘my life is worthless' pinnacle…this is when God says, “haha – told you so.” (And yes I totally picture him sticking his tongue out with his thumbs in his hears saying nana nana boo boo!! Ha!)

Being an HR rep, I get many calls regarding medications, doctor’s visits, etc. You name it, I get asked it. Sometimes these calls/conversations go way over the TMI line. WAAAAAY over.  This morning I got a phone call from a sales rep who immediately began asking about insurance coverage of certain medications. Shockingly said medications were follistim, menopur…after  that I couldn’t tell you a word he said because the ringing in my ears was so loud I thought I was surely going deaf.   I vaguely remember him mentioning the RE practice and low and behold, it was the same place we just completed our first IVF cycle. I don’t think I have ever had such a moment of clarity in my entire life. God might as well have hit me over the head with the receiver. 

I’m sure I overstepped 26,356 HR boundaries but what the hell, I went for it. I shut my door and proceeded to make this guy’s ear bleed for the next 30 minutes. By the time we hung up, I swear I could tell he was smiling through the phone. In fact, next time I see him, I’m giving him a big bear hug, rules or no rules.  This man started the call scared to death then sounded like he couldn’t wait to give his wife their first shot.

If I get nothing else out of this experience, I feel like it was my purpose to answer that call and tell this particular person that he and his wife were in great hands and they would survive IVF and come out on the other side stronger than they ever thought possible. I feel like God purposely gave me the knowledge of the IVF experience to help this guy out, if only to let him breathe a few sighs of relief, knowing he wasn’t alone in this process and that people cared and were rooting for him and his wife. On the worst days, now that I look back, that’s really all it would have taken for me to smile.

Before we ended the call, he asked me the one question I was afraid of but knew was inevitable ……….

Did. It. Work?

The Writing on the Wall

What's more painful than 50 progesterone shots? Maybe your mother-in-law asking you in a mass email to help with your sister-in-law's baby shower. 

What's worse than OHSS? Your mother-in-law then forwarding an email from your sister-in-law about how much fun she had this weekend registering for baby items. (is it just me or is 20 weeks a little too soon for that?)

What's almost worse than 18 months of BFN's? Your husband responding to said email, "sure, we'd love to help."  (UUmmmm...anyone have a sofa I can crash on tonight and the next 365 nights?)

Its clear to me I made a huge mistake including family members in our struggles. Or maybe just MY family is full of clueless idiots. I swear no matter how much you share the pain, no matter how much you think people should understand, the truth is, they just don't.  Unless they've been down the IF road before, Im starting to think the human population just doesn't get it all all. And that my friends is perhaps the most painful thing of all.

Excuse me while I go spray paint it on a damn wall somewhere. (IDIOTS...gah)