A Break From The Challenge

I haven’t blogged in a while. There is a reason for that. I needed a break from all things baby. Every now and then I get a glimpse of just how crazy I’ve become much IF has taken over my life and I have to take a step back and regroup.  It takes quite a toll on everything around you – relationships, friendships, work, sleep and everything in between.

Don’t get me wrong – this is no easy task. Babies are everywhere. And I mean EVERYWHERE.  And what should be cute and awwwww inspiring is currently like a knife to the heart and I hate that about myself. I hate that the sight of a baby makes me sick with envy.  I hate that I wish every day that no one close to me gets pregnant.  I hate that every time I look at my husband I wonder if he regrets marrying me. I hate the thought of living a childless life.

With that being said, a break does the mind and body good. I’ve been feeling amazing these last few weeks. Better than I have in a very long time.  Hell I think I even managed a laugh yesterday. Not counting CD or DPO’s. Not peeing on a stick of any kind. Allowing myself some half caff coffee (cause I’m wild and crazy like that sometimes).  I even ditched the prenatals because frankly they make me want to puke. I’ve been working out. Took a few classes at the gym. Decorated for the house for fall. Haven’t yelled at the hubs in weeks.  You know, normal people stuff.  Until tomorrow anyway….

Tomorrow we have our first official appointment with an RE.  I’m tired of dicking around with methods that don’t work. I’m tired of obsessing and the constant disappointment.   It’s time to get down and dirty people.  At first all I could think about was her first words being “you haven’t tried long enough.” “Even healthy couples take up to a year.” Blah blah blah.  And then I received this email from Attain, the organization we found the RE through.

Did you know that 50% of fertility patients waited over a year before seeing a fertility specialist? And that's too long. No matter where you are along your path to parenthood - whether you've been trying for some time without success or you know you need a treatment like IVF - the sooner you see a specialist the better.

Then I wanted to kick myself for waiting this long. I mean I’m 36 with endometriosis. HELLO? Which led to my next head banging, self-doubting tirade– Did I wait too long? Did we miss our opportunity? Why did I listen to all those people telling me to wait, relax and stop stressing - WTF do they know?????

I have no idea what to expect tomorrow. I’m hoping to finally be able to talk to someone who doesn’t think I’m crazy, jumping the gun or stupid for being worried. That will be a nice change of pace. I’m looking forward to getting this show on the road. I’m excited about getting one step closer to being a mom, even if it’s a tiny first step. 

6 Places (This was a tough one!)

1.  pumpkin patch. Odd I know but anyone who looks at face.book will tell you that right now there are 105,267,000 pictures posted of people with their kids at pumpkin patches. I would give anything to be one of those people.

2.  L.A. So I can thump Rachel Zoe in the forehead. Who let this woman breed for God’s sake?  One of her is a plenty!! (And yet I can’t stop watching her show!!!!!!  Go figure) A baby is neither a vampire nor an alien you crazy b*tch!!!!  “Couldn’t be worse timing” you say? Yeah, well F you!

3.  the mountain cabin where we spent our honeymoon – by far the happiest week of my entire life.

4.  Hollywood. Because apparently they are giving out babies like candy there.  Name one celebrity who ISN’T pregnant or just had a baby? Go head. Try.

5. a house with no walls or doors so my husband and I can’t stay mad and avoid each other

6. a magical place where infertility doesn’t hurt so much

7 Wants

1.  to feel confident in my attempt(s) to get pregnant instead of feeling like it’s a huge waste of time and money because there must be something wrong

2.  to gain control of my emotions

3.  to feel worthy of my husband’s love even though I might not be able to give him a child

4.  to better understand my husband’s lack of emotions and see them as the normal male reaction rather than a lack of concern (even if it still makes me want to  claw his eyes out pull my hair out)

5. to stop obsessing during the TWW

6. to live a life outside of infertility

7. and the most obvious, to give birth to a healthy baby(s) (I often forget to express the healthy part but then remember that I better be careful what I wish for)