Stages

I'm a person who has lived her life always anxiously anticipating the next stage - I couldn't wait until I was old enough to drive, because then I would be free to go anywhere I wanted. Then I couldn't wait to go to college so I could finally be out of my parent's house. And then I could't wait to graduate so I could start working a real job and make some real money. And then I couldn't wait to get meet someone and get married because then life wouldn't be so lonely. The grass always seemed greener. Funny looking back, it wasn't greener, just more to mow maybe. :) It's funny the stages you go through when you're infertile (and I use this term loosely). You start out with hope. SO.MUCH.HOPE. And you keep thinking, if only I could get pregnant, everything would be ok. And when it finally happens, you think if only I could get to 12 weeks, then the risk for a miscarriage goes down. And then before you know it, you are counting down the minutes to 24 weeks when there is a higher vitality rate. If only the nursery were finished, I could relax. If only this baby would come out already so I don't have to worry and worry about how labor will go. And then before you know it, the day is here and you feel like nothing could ever be as good as this moment. Until you can't wait until you can sleep longer than hour long intervals. If only, breast feeding would get better, then I'll be golden. If only, we could get to solids, then I won't have to nurse as much. CUE breaks...............screeeeeeeeeeeching hault. Let me just tell you about THAT stage. There is no scientific explanation for the amount of poop generated by applesauce people. NONE. In fact, I am 100% sure my son pooped out 3 times his body weight this morning. It was 9 hours ago and I am still walking around with a purplexed look on my face. When perusing the babyfood aisle earlier, I did every mom in town a favor and pushed all the prune containers to the back and out of sight. Because well have the folks at GER.BER lost their FREAKING MINDS?!?! To think there was a stage at which I was worried he was constipated. Seriously?! I found myself thinking, I cannot wait until he is out of diapers. And then it hit me, I can't keep living this way. Here I am doing what I do. Only this time I'm wishing my son's life away. NO NO NO. I need to embrace these things, unimaginable diapers and all because it means I still get to hold him, and give him smooches and snuggle and cuddle and so much more that in a few short years he won't even DREAM of letting me do. I wanted to freeze time today just hold him and memorize the curve of his face and the slight upturn of his nose and the way he laughs when I make a poot noise. I need to remember to NOT imagine how better life could be but stop and thank god for every horrible smell and sleepless night caused by this child because frankly life could not get any better than these moments and I am so grateful that I have them. EVEN the moment this morning when he peed in my eye. TRUE STORY!!