Round Two...

Clomid. Such an ugly word. Such a hard pill to swallow – pun totally intended. I just started my second round this week. I had to talk myself into it. I had to talk my husband into it. I’m really not sure who suffered more the first time around. Seems funny that my doctor ONLY warned me about some possible hot flashes. I assume waking up in the middle of the night to the feeling of what it might be like to be set on fire is what he was referring to.

What he failed to mention were the REAL side effects. I had to research those myself. And I don’t fault him for this. I mean one quick google search and you fine 1001 ways women aren’t affected by this medication. You also find yourself wanting to sucker punch the ones who write, “Just finished my 3^rd round of clomid. Still no side effects, thank goodness!” Yeah, up yours lady!

The label does mention sleeplessness. SLEEPLESSNESS? So that’s what they call it. I think it’s much more aptly defined as the inability to go the f*ck to sleep no matter how hard you try. So now you feel as though you are on fire and awake to suffer through it THE ENTIRE NIGHT. You are exhausted beyond belief. And praying for sleep. But ladies... God just isn’t listening. Not tonight anyway.

And tracking ovulation while on this medication is well, impossible. I peed on $50 worth of sticks to no avail. ERROR. No lines. Nothing. Zilch. NOT cool at 5:30 am every single day. Did I mention last month we were CAMPING at the time? Let me tell you how fun that was. 18 glorious days later, I FINALLY see a smiley face. AND THEN….the pain comes…….

Ladies, this is what I imagine child birth must feel like. Or an exploding ovary. Take your pick. And lucky for me, it lasted for 9 STRAIGHT DAYS. Two trips to the ob/gyn, one ultrasound and a giant bottle of pain meds later, my stomach still hurts and is still bloated beyond belief. Still. 3 weeks later. And this is supposed to get me pregnant how? My husband is literally afraid of me. And frankly it’s hard to baby dance when you are doubled over in pain.

And as if this isn’t enough torture for one month, clomid somehow manages to delay AF by 2 days. And anyone going thru the tww knows that even one extra day is mind numbing but 2 DAYS PEOPLE?  I’m lucky I have hair left on my head.  

I’ve been telling myself ever since, I can’t do this again. I just can’t go through it. I can’t torture my body like this. But here we are. Another cycle. Another round of clomid. A tiny little pill of hope that I didn’t even hesitate to swallow.

“There are a handful of things I've astounded or astonished myself on being capable of doing, even if at the time they seemed impossible.” ~ Anonymous fellow blogger.

Have I Said Too Much?

These last few days have been REALLY trying. Its one thing for AF to show up, but to THINK she shows up, then realize she didn’t, but then she does for real but 3 days later than you expected and this NEVER happens, well, your patience sort of wears thin. So thin in fact that by 11:30am yesterday, I was a sobbing mess.

Every month is disappointing to say the least, but yesterday, I just lost it completely and wasn’t sure why this month was harder than others. Maybe because I REALLY thought this was our month. We did everything right. I went thru a great deal of pain thanks to an evil, EVIL medication that is suppose to help with this process but also made me what a fellow blogger so eloquently described as Bitchtastic – which I am sure my husband would thoroughly agree. I spent two weeks praying every day that AF didn’t show her ugly face. Then three days straight praying she would. You see, in the land of TTC, when her arrival is inevitable, the sooner she shows, she sooner you can start trying again!  Although I knew she was coming, it was still devastating. I felt so lost and alone. Alone being the operative word here because, you see, this month the only difference is I tried to keep it all to myself.

People who are having a difficult time conceiving tend to talk about it and nothing else ALL THE TIME. Or at least it seems that way to me. I mean I think about it constantly.  From the time I wake up and poas to the deciphering of every little twinge and pain and what it might mean. I eat, sleep and breathe baby and soon realized that it was all I seemed to be talking about to friends and family. And as much as they love and support me, I’m sure at times  they probably feel like pelting me across the room when I complain or offer up TMI {which tends to happen a lot when your main focus in life involves reproductive parts. : )}

So pent up anger + keeping my frustrations all bottled up + PMS = sobbing blubbering idiot the second a very close co-workers asks how your day is going. And her hugging me and kissing me on the forehead and telling me she loved me only fueled the sob-fest. Another co-worker and one of my BFF’s came into my office once alerted to my state of mind – or maybe it was the fact that I had lost my mind.  I just put my face into my hands and blurted out every single horrible thought I had had in the past 36 hours. She just listened and told me she loved me and would do anything she could to take my pain away. I think it’s the first time I have really let anyone in on how painful this process actually is. It’s the first time I have let my guard down, invited someone in and spoken the words out loud.

I must admit, I felt better once I got it all out of my system. And I realized that even though they don’t always understand or know exactly what to say, aside from “relax”, “it will happen as soon as you stop trying” and the ever popular “it will happen when the time is right”, I do have people that are routing for me and praying hard and hoping just as much as I am that I am able to become a mother.

So maybe I don’t have to keep it ALL inside all the time. Maybe I just need to figure out how to share without being obnoxious, overbearing or a big fat snooze. Maybe I don’t have to be completely ALONE in this. Maybe JUST MAYBE I shouldn’t judge people by the comments they make. They don’t understand exactly how this feels. I didn’t until I started living it. I guess at some point I  have to stop and ask myself, if I were them and they were me, what WOULD I say?

P.S. With all that being said, I’m still baffled by how little grown women know about the reproductive process!!!!!!! It IRKS the crap out of me. Whew. Okay. Now I feel better!  See, like I said. Bitchtastic!!!! J

And so we begin......

So I’ve grappled for months over whether or not to write this blog at all. I mean one mere Google search and you soon find that there are only a bazillion just like it. I know. I’ve read them all. Some days, it keeps me sane. Some days, it makes me want to punch something, hard. But the difference I found between them and me was they had an outlet, and me? I had, well….nothing.

So for the sake of my sanity, my husband’s sanity, my friends’ sanity, etc.- you get the picture- I think its time I found a better way to ‘get things off my chest.’ If at least one person out there is able to relate, feel better or be inspired, then I guess my work here is done.

This journey didn’t begin that long ago. Except when you are trying to conceive - 8 months seems like a lifetime. When you are 36, have major health issues and feel like you are basically running out of time, the long drawn out process of TTC can be just plain excruciating. It’s not like I planned it this way. The future has never really been in my hands. Did I love that it took me 33 years to find love? Um, no. Am I glad I waited? Hell yes. (this is how I know good things DO come to those who wait!) Didn’t I know that someone in my condition waiting this long would make things difficult? Sure, why not. Again, hard to control LIFE here people. Do I look at 30 something year olds when they say “I’m not ready for kids” and want to shake the living freakin' daylights out of them and scream, “what you are waiting for?” YES! I do. But I can’t. I can’t advise people on any of this. I’m just starting out myself.  But what I have found out already is that no matter how much love and support surrounds you, it’s the loneliest journey on earth.

What do I want to do when I feel like no one understands and I have no one to turn to? You got it, WRITE!  Hey, might as well use that degree for something, right?!?!  So this is my outlet. My catharsis (I hate that word but for lack of a better one….).  My way of NOT unloading all these horrible feelings on my husband, friends, and family. Trust me. It’s better this way. (wink)

Thank you for reading. And good luck to you if you are on the same daunting journey – the path to motherhood.