Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Words for Wednesday

I feel this insatiable need to apologize for all the complaining I’ve been doing.  Don’t get me wrong, motherhood is HARD. Harder than I ever thought it would be. So hard, in fact, I regret scoffing at all the advice folks tried to give me while pregnant. They were right about the sleep deprivation!!!!! It will knock you off your feet. But……..

Just to clarify….there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t feel like I’m bursting at the seams with happiness. One little iota of feeling sorry for myself and all I have to do is look at this……




Does this new sunhat make me look fat?


…and all is right with the world. DO NOT think for a minute that I don’t fully appreciate the opportunity that I’ve been given to become a mother.  I should probably be on my knees right now thanking God for it all. And I do, often.  But please don’t think I have forgotten what IF feels like or that I’ve forgotten all of you out there who continue to fight it. My heart breaks for you. I think of you every day and hope and pray and believe that your miracle is just around the corner and you keep finding the strength to go forward. 

I truly hope my posts don't make you roll your eyes. I try soooo hard not to be judgy, condescending, or preachy. I know how bad I hated that when I couldn't get pregnant. In fact, my very best friend is going thru the exact same thing right now and I have to constantly bite my tongue so as not to be "that girl" who gives annoying advice because I think I know something. I just feel so helpless when I don't know how to heal the hurt around me. And sometimes, I honestly just don't know what else to say. 

If it makes you feel any better, I'm not walking around like "look at me world, I did it! I had a baby." Its more like "holy shit balls, I got what i wanted and am now just waiting for the universe to take it all away so please don't ride my ass on the road, get too close to my baby with your germs, and for God's sake please stop letting his head bob around like that - are you TRYING to break his neck???????" **sigh** But I'm working on THAT......baby steps. ha!







Friday, July 12, 2013

A week of firsts.......

Its my first week back at work after 12 13 weeks of maternity leave. Don’t ask me how I managed to sneak that last week under the radar – I’m sneaky like that. haha  Anyway….

Last week was our first taste of the world that is DAYCARE. And yes, it is a whole new world in itself. It was also our first trip to the Children’s ER. My son’s first IV, first x-ray, and first ultrasound, (and arguably my first heart attack), our first family beach trip which coincided with Blake’s first Fourth of July and our first family stomach virus – its main symptom being projectile vomiting. I know what you’re thinking here – FUN TIMES right?  Someone asked me this morning how I was still functioning? I’m sorry – I didn’t know that I was. In fact, I’m pretty sure my brain is bleeding at this very moment.


In all the madness, here is what I’ve learned:

Breastfeeding is the hardest goddman thing that exists. Anyone that tells you different is lying. in fact the next person who says “it shouldn’t hurt” is getting a karate chop to their solar plexus. The end.

If you have plans for the following day and have to get up early for any reason, your child will NOT sleep one single bit. Not even a minute. The ENTIRE NIGHT.

Even if you have the best, most loving, helpful supportive husband on earth, you will want to pummel him into next week every time he gets within a mile radius.  You will have to bite your tongue clean off every time he opens his mouth.  He will walk around like a king because he changed one diaper in a week.  He will constantly point things out like “the baby spit up” or “he lost a sock” but will make no gesture to wipe the spit up or pick up and reapply the damn sock. It won’t even cross his tiny little mind. But thank god he told you because otherwise you would never be able to figure those things out for yourself. Ppfftttttt

Every woman in your family will tell you that your baby is starving to death even if you have feed him round the clock for 3 days and he is clearly vomiting when fed in excess. Apparently that is the ONLY reason babies cry.  Oh and that “breast feeding nonsense” needs to cease immediately. (I’m plotting to nurse until he is 5 just to prove a point and well yes be spiteful!!!!!!!!)

If you let your baby nap, everyone in the f’n world will say “he won’t sleep a wink tonight” even though decades of medical research says that a baby that naps well, sleeps better at night. Doctors, what the hell do they know, right?

SLEEP WHEN HE SLEEPS. If I hear this again I will lay in traffic. I swear.  As fantastic as this is in theory, I also have to eat, shit, shower, brush my teeth, do laundry, empty diaper pails (since I am clearly the only one capable of this task), grocery shop, make dinner, clean, pay bills, pump, wash bottles (another task no one else seems capable of), and the other 356473893 things a woman has to do during the day. Forget putting on makeup. There’s no point when you don’t get to shower until 5 pm and there is no amount of concealer that could cover up the ravines that are your eye sockets.  

Cute baby clothes are worthless. By day two all that matters is that they are not still in the same outfit they came home from the hospital in and there are no visible poop stains to judging eyes. Oh and CLOROX 2 is your friend. Dreft is a big bottle of worthlessness.

The antics of boys starts immediately. This is what happens when he hears something that even remotely resembles a fart noise.




***SIGH*** Me thinks I’ve got my work cut out for me.


Happy Friday……….