It’s the little things...

... that make you happy when you are TTC. Well it’s one big thing really BUT until that happens, you have to revel in the little moments that make things feel like they are going well. Or at least in the right direction.  I told myself I wouldn’t pee on anymore sticks this time around. Just RELAX and see how things go. But that didn’t last long. ; -) I remembered I needed to see how this new medication affected things – clomid delayed everything and also made poas worthless. I haven’t read that letrozole does this so I wanted to experiment for myself.

Loe and behold, the ovulation predictor had a blue line this morning. An actual line. Not blurry. Not half ass. A real true line. Now one line doesn’t indicate anything is happening  yet and the test confirmed this BUT I was so thrilled that the test was actually working I literally smiled through my shower. We TTC’ers spend many a morning shower bawling our eyeballs out, so this was no small feat. Not to mention, I don’t feel crazy. The insomnia this weekend was mind numbing and the nausea and dizziness are no treat BUT I will take that any day over the crushing depression and constant pity party. I’m sure my husband will agree. Poor guy.

Things have been rough for him since last week when he suggested I take Midol when I was in so much pain I could barely walk upright.  Needless to say, he won’t make that mistake again.  ;-)   I was none too happy as you can imagine and spent the rest of the day berating him for being insensitive to my pain, yada yada yada. But I had to laugh when he later told me that the only thing he knew about Midol was what he had seen on the commercials.  My analogy of it being 'like suggesting someone with a severed limb take Advil' seemed to clear it all up for him. I had a forehead slapping moment though because why would a man know about Midol? I mean the women on the commercials, for those even paying attention, are running on beaches, dancing with their friends at nightclubs and at the worst trying to pry on a pair of too tight jeans, not folded up in the fetal position, whimpering like babies covered in sweat and waiting for their head to explode. NOW that would be a commercial I could relate to.

So....This past weekend, I made a conscious effort not to take my anger and frustration out on him. It was a little easier without clomid controlling my moods of course but I noticed right away the huge difference it made in how he responded to me and how we interacted as a couple. It was nice. I enjoyed being with him even if we were just at the gym or cleaning the bathrooms (his suggestion not mine!).

Today, I  came across a non-pregnancy blog post (yes they do exist and help remind that there is a whole other world out there that is NOT trying to have a baby) in which the writer suggested a book by a minister who " believes love best motivates a woman and respect most powerfully motivates a man. Research reveals that during marital conflict a husband most often reacts when feeling disrespected and a wife reacts when feeling unloved."  Hmmm...they might be on to something here. Lately, I can't help but notice how much better I feel when my husband and I are on the same side of things. Infertility is a b*tch but going through it alone is even worse. I don't want to do that. I want my husband by my side. I need him or else I don't think I can survive this.  I think I'll read this book. Or at least scan it. Couldn't hurt to get some pointers on how better to follow this regime.  I respect my husband more than any other human being on the planet but I'm not sure he knows that. I've never told him and my actions lately probably paint a completely different picture.

I've let wanting a baby take over my every thought, good and bad, and it’s had quite a profound effect on every aspect of my life. It consumes you in ways you never imagine.  I guess that's why it feels so good to smile, even over silly things like a definite blue line or your husband’s point of view, distorted as it may be.

Picture Day

Today is the dreaded first day of school. Why should that bother me you ask? Well it doesn’t directly. I have no kids. I didn’t have to fight buses on the way to work. I didn’t have a child to take pictures of this morning. I didn’t have a lunch to pack. I don’t have anyone to worry about throughout the day. My biggest fear is that I never will.

Facebook was a giant slap in the face again this morning. All those pictures of little ones starting their day with big bows, big backpacks, big smiles on most of their faces – I just couldn’t hold back the tears. It’s so hard to see something you want so bad and worry, face the fact that you may never have it.  I am starting to think I might have to do away with Facebook all together. It brings me nothing but anger, sadness and frustration.  And it’s not just the baby posts anymore.   I am starting to resent every post I read yet I keep going back for more. Gluten for punishment much?

It’s just like the friend I keep confiding in even though she almost always slides a “relax” in there somewhere and I end up wanting to snap her neck claw her eyes out  but have to just bite my tongue (almost in half) instead. **sigh**  So much for venting out loud.  Last night over drinks she told me the story about how a friend of a friend went through the same thing and when they decided to take a break and just do it when they felt like it and not track ovulation, temp, etc, they got pregnant. Now granted they were in their very early 30’s, had no prior health issues and probably plenty of money to pursue other avenues if needed. Well Gee..that’s the same. I can’t believe I am worried and can’t relax and just let it happen.  Yeah F*ck off.

I’m soon heading off to my acupuncture appointment. I don’t know how much good it’s doing for the infertility but it does give me an hour alone in a room to sleep and/or cry, sometimes a little of both. I’m thinking of kicking this habit as well since its basically turned into a bunch of expensive naps. I know I probably haven’t given it ample time to work but I’m just plain tired of waiting for everything to work.   Tired of waiting for my own pictures to post.

I've got a new attitude........

There is one sure fire way to ensure AF shows – take a pregnancy test.  Works every time.  I felt kind of ‘funny’ for the last week and so I decided to make sure I actually wasn’t.  I needed WINE, okay! And as you can imagine, this is the result I got. Or at least that’s how it looked in my mind.

 

Hey at least I can joke about it. Last month at this time I was sobbing at my desk with the door closed praying no one asked what was wrong. So I would say I’ve progressed. I didn’t even cry. Not one single tear. I didn’t really feel anything to be honest. I mean I knew. Deep down, I already knew.

SOOOOO my attitude this week…F*ck it.  What would life be like without kids? Would it be so bad?  My husband’s attitude – “well I guess we’ll just go at it again next month.” Wow the romance astounds me.  Grrrrrr

I’ve made the decision not to take Clomid ever again (as long as I am here on this earth). This medication should come with a flashing red light attached to it – its bad news, plain and simple. My husband should win an award for putting up with me on that stuff.  I find it funny that I request an appointment to discuss this with the person who prescribed it to me yet he is double- booked and too busy to speak with me this week. OH REALLY????? Is that so? Well, good thing his nurse is good people because I had a new prescription within the hour. Have no idea what it is or when I take it.  I don’t care at this point. As long as it’s NOT clomid.  I’m so happy I don’t have to take that medication again I’m almost elated.  Even if my female parts feel like they are trying to claw their way to the outside of my body. And so begins a new cycle folks.......

Bitter....Party of One!

So last night I had a meltdown.  In the gym. Yeah.  Fun times.  I’m sure my husband is doubly mortified on top of already having to walk into that place full of beautiful people with a lard butt for a wife. **sigh** Is it obvious yet I’m having a rough week? It probably was to the entire gym. I did manage to get in a half hour on the tread mill. Crying. Tears running down my face. I’m pretty sure I need to wait a week or so before venturing there again. 

I feel myself breaking in half and there is nothing I can do to stop it. Two days ago all I could think about was how lucky I am in life. I have soooo much to be thankful for. Now I can’t stop focusing on the not so luckiness. What is wrong with me? Why am I like this? Why can’t I be strong and face the day as a cup half full?

Well, because I know I’m not pregnant. I don’t actually have any hard evidence but in the same way they say a woman just knows when she is - even if it’s realistically too soon to tell - I just know that I’m not. I’m so angry. Why isn’t this happening? What are we doing wrong? What if something IS wrong and we are wasting precious time and money? Why can my stupid body not cooperate and give me the one thing I want most in this world? Why did I do to deserve this?  Why do I have to put my body and mind through pure torture only to be disappointed over and over again?

And the clomid. Oh boy. Did I mention this stuff is pure evil? Do I sound like a broken record yet? I’m pretty sure I’m done with this so called' medication'. First, it’s not working.  Clearly.  Second, it’s starting to affect my vision. All of the research I have done on the side effects say to stop taking it because the vision effects can be PERMANENT. REALLY? And all my doctor felt the need to mention was possible hot flashes?!  And I’m sure my husband will agree, it’s making me CrAzY!!!  Crazier than usual. And that is BAD!  Very bad. I hear myself snapping at him. At the Target cashier.  At co-workers. Seething. Fire Breathing. Yet I don’t stop. It just spews out of my mouth and I am powerless. I wish I could wear a sign that says please ignore me, I am on fertility medication!  Hmm… might not be a bad idea.

I wish more than anything I could turn it off, esp. around my husband. I wish he could see how much I am hurting and how hard it is to look at him without thinking that I have failed him as a wife in so many ways. The one thing I should be able to do, I can’t. No matter how hard I try. On the other hand, he makes me crazy by being so positive when I am so negative. I just don’t understand why he doesn’t take it as hard. How can he just go on with everyday life as if nothing is wrong? It makes me angry that him, the world, everyone else isn’t hurting the way I hurt. I’m so lonely I could crack. So then, I’m secretly glad I yell. ; >

We leave the gym in silence.  ON the short ride home, we see four families walking WITH BABY STROLLERS, of course. We eat dinner in silence. I go upstairs to shower then cry myself to sleep.  This is my new routine.  This is how sadness lives.

We are what we repeatedly do...

So this is how yesterday's post began…….

When you are TTC and its not working, one of the few things you’ve got is HOPE. Now I’m not one to go around spewing positive – anyone who knows me well is aware of this. I’ve been working on that. It’s a daily hourly struggle for a pessimist like myself. Infertility makes it tenfold. Trust me. If you already think you are worthless, try not being able to give your husband a child. That will leave you teetering on the edge for sure. And it doesn’t help that I started this journey with “you’re too old”, “you have too many health problems”, “you didn’t take good enough care of your body” playing over and over in my mind like a broken record.

But an amazing thing happens every single month . Every 30 or so days I hang on to every little shred of hope my mind and heart can possibly produce. I even promised I wouldn’t do it to myself this month. I would go on about my everyday life and not analyze every little tug and pull. Not easy because pregnancy has about 1011 symptoms. And out of those 1011, about 1011 can be symptoms of other things too. Hell this morning, I felt nauseas and cramping in my nether region and I smiled to myself in the mirror. SMILED.  Yeah, well on my way to freakdom aren’t I?

Granted I have had numerous symptoms every single month for the past 9 months. Always sure it had finally happened for us. Always hoping, wishing, praying, willing it true. But even after each and every disappointing BFN, I’ve somehow managed to pull myself together and go on to the next. It’s a trait I am not familiar with. I mean I have even found myself rooting on other women on blogs and infertility websites. ME? The eternal Debbie downer. The non-believer in all things good.

It almost makes me see that even though I have yet to gain a baby, I HAVE gained a new sense of strength, one I didn’t know I was capable of. IT hasn’t defeated me (even if some days I can’t get out of bed, stop crying, put one foot in front of the other function like a normal human being). Hell, it may just end up making me one of the strongest people I know. Definitely going to come in handy if when I become a mom.

And then…

I made the huge mistake of logging onto Facebook. When will I ever learn (shaking head)?  A co-worker from years ago whose daughter got married, pregnant, and divorced all in the span of a year just got remarried a few months ago and wouldn’t you know it, her friggin’ profile picture is a positive digital pregnancy test. It took every last ounce of will power I had NOT to go lay in traffic. WHY GOD WHY?

I went out to lunch because well food always makes me feel better and there were 9…count them 9 pregnant women between work and the restaurant. I mean really GOD? What did I do to deserve this? Tell me so I can fix it.

Ahh the life of a TTC'er.  **sigh**

Mindless Banter....

This is the worst kind of wait – the time between AF and ovulation. I hate it. It’s nothingness. One giant void. No hope. No obsessing over every little twinge. Just empty endless waiting. Especially when clomid delays things by several days. That in itself is maddening. SOOO…here are some ramblings, thoughts and updates, in no particular order……

*I just got word that a good friend is not trying but not preventing. Hearing this was like being punched in the gut. My defenses automatically kicked in. I know they will get pregnant before us. How will I survive  that? How will I find it in myself to be happy for them and smile and pretend that my heart and soul are still intact? How in the hell am I going to deal with yet someone else getting pregnant when here I sit. Still not a mom.

*I’ve also decided that I don’t want to talk about babies anymore. Not to any extent. I’ve cut myself off from people. I don’t call friends. I eat lunch alone. It's easier this way.

*This process has made me so bitter.  I can’t even find it in my heart to be happy for someone else. And while I would like to think I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy, there is a part of me who DOES wish it on people, so I won’t have to suffer the news of their good fortune. I hate this about myself. I hate that the news of a pregnancy makes me want to fold myself into a little ball and disappear.

*I almost hurled a $200 ovulation monitor through the bathroom wall this morning. It’s peeing on a stick for Christ’s sake, not rocket science yet I am still getting error messages. Thank you clomid, you stupid %^&%$#*(&^#.

*I finally gave in to three years of my husband begging me to join a gym. I still can’t believe I go to a gym. Crazy. Not that I enjoy these 25 extra pounds of what people keep calling “happy weight”, but honestly I have been afraid to start any kind of major exercising for fear it might somehow hurt my chances of conceiving or if I in fact do conceive, all that jumping around might somehow harm the tadpole. Yeah I know Crazy. But this is how the mind of an infertile works. Every move you make is a big deal. But I decided if I wait, I might never get to do it since the conceiving part doesn’t seem to be happening now or anytime soon. Now don’t tell my hubs but I LOVE IT. Granted I’ve only been twice but it really does give me a sense of accomplishment and if nothing else, it takes my mind off of ‘you know what’, even if only for an hour or so.

*One of my best friends who just recently had a baby (of whom which I am the appointed guardian god forbid anything should happen) is moving to another country TOMORROW. Over 24 hours away from me. Saying goodbye to that baby that I only got to hold for a weekend literally sliced me to the core. I couldn’t kiss him enough. I still smelled him on me two days later. I probably won’t get to see him again until he is 5. My brain cannot even process this yet.

*I’ve decided I need some distractions. I recently discovered the website Pinterest. WARNING – highly addictive – almost as bad as poas addicting. SOOO many good DIY ideas and I feel sorry for my husband and wallet already.  I’ve also been toying with taking a jewelry class. I need an outlet I suppose. Other than punching walls and yelling at people (but that’s fun too. J). 

*Saw this quote recently and it really made me say hmmmm…

What if you woke up today with only the things you thanked God for yesterday?

Didn’t take me long to realize I would have nothing.  Is that perspective for ya or what?  Wonder if I thank God for the ability to ovulate, he can make that happen tomorrow? Hmmmmm……